I grew up a conservative Christian guy, I always had a girlfriend and always had girls chasing me, I enjoyed the attention and I enjoyed giving them attention in both dimensions of the word. However, when I first went to college I realized an eye-opening experience: women wanted sex as much as men wanted sex. I always affiliated sex with being dirty and sinful if done outside of the need for procreation. I was a virgin.
I dated very beautiful women, and had no problem getting nearly any girl I wanted. No, I am not trying to be cocky or anything of that nature, rather, I am simply stating that I was a good looking guy and good looks go a long ways. The issue I had was how shy I was; once I got the girl it was difficult to keep her because I could be awkward. Well, eventually I figured out how to talk to women so the digits just kept flying my way but I could never keep a girl. One girl, after another, after another dumped me. It was happening ad nauseum! I called up my big sister one day and told her how frustrating it was being 18-19, and how I no woman wanted to stay with me. She asked "are you having sex?" I said "no, of course not! I'm still a virgin until marriage!" "well" she replied "that's why they're breaking up with you". I hadn't thought about that but then I began to put the pieces together and realized that every break would occur one or two days after I told a girl I was waiting until marriage to have sex.
One day I thought I would end that by having sex, I did it but I didn't enjoy it. I felt dirty and lower than I had ever felt because I gave into the one sin I had forbid myself from doing. After that, it was like the flood gates came down and I wanted as much of it as I could get (responsibly of course). This led to a series of volatile relationships, heart-break, and eventually it turned me into a bitter, jaded, and for a while, a very sexist man. I began dating multiple women at once, I'd go by and pick up one girl at 5:00 PM, bring her home by 8:00 PM, then swing over to another girls house and hang out with her until 1:00 or 2:00 AM. Sometimes I'd take out three girls in one day! I thought I was living every guys fantasy and truth be told I was, but in all of it I felt no satisfaction and eventually became so disgusted with myself that I completely stopped dating, and shut myself down.
Anyway, that is a brief history. Now on to the current situation:
I am on my seventh year of college (excluding two breaks totaling two years total), and am going on 27 years of age. My libido is pretty much gone, or I think. I still notice attractive women but my thoughts and expressions towards them is excruciatingly repressed, mostly because of the experiences I had in my past with women. Most of the women at my university are between the ages of 18-23, which I feel very conflicted over. Many of them are very beautiful, intelligent, and seem like they have great personalities, however a lot of them have interests far different from my own, and they talk a lot about "getting ratchet"... I think that means crazy? And drinking. I think maybe the drinking is implied in the term "ratchet"? Anyway, I feel like were on two different levels. But they also just look young, I mean really, very young to me. I feel attracted to their bodies and physique, but less attracted to their interests, how they live their lives, and to some extent... their faces. They just look too young. But this seems antithetical because everyone I have talked with ranging from the ages of 25-33, all love younger girls, specifically girls between the ages of 18-23. So, now I question whether or not I really am attracted to these women or not. Every guy I know except for 1, wants these women, the one and myself are more attracted to women older than ourselves (27+)... but I wonder if maybe I am jaded and bitter by my previous relationships with women of the 18-23 age range and that has perhaps created some sort of mental barrier for me, or if I am generally not attracted to them. Still, I wonder if I am attracted to them but I simply convince myself that I am not.
I believe sex is a great thing now, and I enjoy it mostly, but it completely messes me up. For the four days after I have intercourse, I experience sometimes devastating mood-swings where I feel incredibly sad and depressed, I also experience memory loss. Equations, theories, even what I last ate become terribly difficult things to remember. I've also noticed that I become physically weak, shaky, and develop dry skin, eyes, and lips.It's like the life is sucked out of me leaving me to dry, wither, and fade away. It's terrible.
So I wonder if I avoid younger women so as to avoid the entire subject of sex and how it affects me, or if I avoid them because I am bitter towards them as a result of my past. I also admit that talking to a younger woman through flirtation makes me feel kind of creepy because I feel so much older. But maybe I am thinking about it too much?
When I hear a couple having sex, or see an attractive girl who is dressed in exceedingly revealing clothes, I become turned on, but when the time comes to talk to a girl or "put out" I fail miserably, mostly because of my nerves, but also because I feel like a creepy guy.
Am I missing out on something?
Perhaps I fear intimacy and specifically sex because I am terrible at being physically intimate with people, as in opening-up to them and having that "vulnerable" kind of feeling, vulnerable where they completely see you and judge you.The nerves, the vulnerability, etc. Scary!
But then again, maybe I would be a better person, or perhaps a happier person if I was consistently having intimacy with someone. Of course, that would require me to feel vulnerable and to open myself up to a woman, but perhaps that is exactly what I need or maybe that is what secretly or deeply desire. Maybe then I would feel more complete or happier, or just more alive.
Maybe I need to open up more in general to people and spend less time thinking and more time doing?
Perhaps I fear intimacy and specifically sex because I am terrible at being physically intimate with people, as in opening-up to them and having that "vulnerable" kind of feeling, vulnerable where they completely see you and judge you.The nerves, the vulnerability, etc. Scary!
But then again, maybe I would be a better person, or perhaps a happier person if I was consistently having intimacy with someone. Of course, that would require me to feel vulnerable and to open myself up to a woman, but perhaps that is exactly what I need or maybe that is what secretly or deeply desire. Maybe then I would feel more complete or happier, or just more alive.
Maybe I need to open up more in general to people and spend less time thinking and more time doing?
