Balu

 I am broke. I no longer know who I am or what the meaning of life is.

Balu is gone. Wife is gone. Moose is gone.

I have no friends. 

I want to die.

The house is empty. Quiet. Dark. Full of memories. Sadness. Depression sets in.

I want to die.

Life is hell. Torture. I hate it.

I want to die.

The above was written last year.

I chose not to publish it because it felt too personal and dark and I've been afraid that it would trigger a well-fair check or something along those lines. Truth be told, I still feel the same way as I did a year ago albeit with a few more moments throughout the week where I am free of the memories of my ex, Balu, and my golden Moose who is with her in Montana.

Who was Balu?
He was the greatest dog to ever live on this Earth. Balu was a rescue puppy who came from a family of several brothers and sisters. He was a border collie and black lab mix. 

The day we got him was quite a day. My ex and I already had Moose for something like a year and half and she had mentioned getting another dog and I had been opposed to it because I felt like we were struggling to give adequate care to Moose, our golden retriever. You see, between my work in investment banking and my ex doing research and teaching classes at a major university and several smaller colleges, it just didn't seem reasonable to buy another dog when the dog we had spent most of his days alone.

I came home from work one day and she insisted we "just go look" at a family of puppies she had learned about. It was a mild summer day, very nice and comfortable. We drove to another part of town and arrived at an average American house where we were directed towards the backyard where the puppies were. The backyard was a good size with a small pool, slide, grass, and plenty of toys laying around. It was a very nice place for rescue dogs to spend that short amount of time in between being rescued and getting adopted.

There were several mostly black puppies running around and I was interacting and playing with them while my ex was speaking with the host family. While we were there another family arrived and within what must have been 10 or 15 minutes they had chose a male puppy, the one I originally wanted. 

I found out there was only one male left for adoption and a couple females - I wanted a male. I don't know why but I've always felt a stronger connection toward male dogs and male animals in general. That left one remaining puppy. He was a little aloof, didn't come to me right away like the other male had. He was doing his own thing away from most of the other dogs so I feared he was anti-social and perhaps even had a personality disorder!

With no options left, I selected him and he was gracious enough to accept me. I remember holding him in the car while my ex drove us to the vet to get him a vasectomy. Yes, a vasectomy. My ex had learned they are healthier for dogs, so that is what we did.

While driving there, I was holding him with me in the passenger seat and I broke down crying because I was afraid we would be overwhelmed with a second dog and that we could not give him the love he deserved but the entire time she reminded me that we would and could.

After a very long time driving because of traffic and the fact the vet was another town over, we finally arrived. But not before the poor pup had puked in the car a couple of times.

He was incredibly happy to be out of the car and walking on grass again. Before we knew it, the procedure had ended and we were back home.

We formally named him Balu. Balu the bear, after the Jungle Book character.

The first year, he enjoyed our large backyard with its many large trees, abandoned garden, and lots of wild life!

He chased Moose incessantly, nipping at his heels and his balls! 

He had a little growl and high-pitched bark! Incredibly cute and not very scary! He had a white mark on his chest that resembled a caveman drawing of a hunter with a spear.

In the backyard, he would dig holes, chase his brother, chase squirrels, and once got a rabbit - I only found out when I went back there to check on him and he had a little rabbit foot in his mouth!

We would take him and Moose to the local lake and go on walks. Moose loved to hop in a small tributary and swim around. I would keep Balu leashed most of the time. As he got a little bigger I would let him off his leash to see how he would respond to Moose swimming. He would normally approach the waters edge and look nervous and anxious, as if he were concerned for his brother.

One day, I'll never forget, Moose was doing his usual swim, and Balu this time cautiously entered the water. He went under a couple of times but only for a second before popping up to the surface and paddling his little front paws. From the moment forward, he loved the water. I have never seen a dog love the water as he did.

We would take daily walks to the lake and swim, walk, throw the ball at the main beach, visit "secret beach" and wade out into the water with them both, play in the backyard where he developed an obsession with balls!

During the warm summer months, we would huddle around the little air conditioner we had. And during winter, would cuddle on the couch by the fire.

He loved playing in the snow.

Balu never did enjoy a lot of socializing with other people or animals. He was pretty happy and satisfied with his immediate family, balls, and swimming.

I have to stop for a minute here because it is overwhelming writing this and talking about him. I miss him more than anything in this world. He was everything to me and all I had.

My family is distant and we rarely speak, and they are a thousand miles away. I see them at most once a year, they call once every two months at most and do not text me and so, Balu quickly became my best friend.

It's difficult to wrap my head around the fact he's no longer here. I still cry, have major breakdowns, get hit with waves of depression, and often think of taking my life.

I feel alone. Completely and utterly alone. Family is more or less non-existent, I have no friends, my girlfriend is wonderful but it's not the same as the connection I had with Balu.

First, God took my best friend Mark. Then He came for Caleb. Then, He took Balu. I fear I have nothing left to give or to look forward to. No support system. 

Yes, I am seeing a therapist and it has helped, but it is not enough. 

I miss him. I miss playing ball, going for walks, runs, trips to the dog park, trips to the pool, sleeping at night together, the way his belly felt when scratching him, the way his paws smelled, how wet his nose was, the sound of his bark, he snoring at night, his mean growl, the look in his eyes when he looked at me. 

I would pace the backyard begging, pleading with God to take me, hurt me, do anything and everything he wanted to if it meant saving him. I pled with any god that was out there. I would go through a thousand deaths if it meant saving him.

Life doesn't make sense. If there's a God or gods, why? Why take him? Why cause him pain for half of his life? 

I'm still angry and will always be angry. 

As much as I think I am getting better I know I am not. The slope is getting steeper, the darkness turns to light - that saying, I find ironic. It is not saying that life will get better, it means that life is ending and all the pain and tragedies of this world are slipping away - peace is closer.

Caleb

 I miss you. Things are not nor will ever normal again, whatever that is. The more I think about it, the more I realize that perhaps my time with you, our time together, the time you had on this world was by definition, not normal. Perhaps that was a dream, a fantasy, a magical time where anything and everything seemed possible. 

The world was fuzzy, colorful, happy, and wonderful. Letters floated off paper, love was oceans deep, hearts moved to a different beat. We had twinkles in our eyes and feet floated above the ground so heavy. We could fly, and feel, believe and make dreams real. Nothing was impossible, everything was possible. Words meant something and your presence was uplifting.

I'm trying not to cry as write this but it's hard. Hard to remember better days, hard to remember the peace, love, and joy of those days. I never felt alone. States between us, thousands of miles of clouds and open sky above us, I never felt alone. I felt you with me. I felt your love envelope me.

The most pure, wholesome, and unadulterated love that could only come from a place that doesn't really exist here. Were bodies, sticks and stones floating through a mass as weightless as life was.

At practice I thought of you, in the classroom I imagined you - I heard your voice on my wedding day. I saw your face my first day of college - I'll never forget those first weeks away from you. I cried, not knowing. Only to return and find I really didn't know. Our friendship had paused, but yours with others had not. I felt alone again, almost betrayed. I didn't recognize you, I thought I know you by the thoughts I had of you, but I was too distracted with my own contemplations to see through it all and see you.

I felt sadness and remorse, anger and jealousy. What you did, unknowingly or not, cut deeper than anything or anyone ever had. 

Falling

 I don't know how much longer I can continue living.

How do people do it? I feel so alone and separate from society. It's like I am witnessing them living part of their best lives while I am constantly tired, struggling, and frustrated.

My friends are gone and I miss them and love them with all my heart and no matter how hard I try, I cannot make new friends. It's like a wall has gone up between me and society/people. A wall I just can't overcome. 

I am jealous and sad seeing others so happy. Friends together in groups at breweries, playing golf, or enjoying a bbq together. I watch from this window and remember what that was like, how it felt to be surrounded by a group of people who love you and you love back. Enjoying the moment together, comfortable, happy, and so thankful to have the love of each and every one of them in your life. It helps to propel you forward, to refresh after a long week and begin a new week. The jokes, conversations, experiences, all help to heal wounds and strengthen your bones. 

How else do you get through a work week? No amount of solitary confinement will to prepare you for another week - and, after so many weeks, you feel exhausted, burnt out, and wanting to collapse.

That's how I feel. I want someone to wrap me in their arms and tell me everything is going to be OK. Tell me "you got this", "I have your back", "I believe in you". Those words of affirmation, that physical touch, goes further than any self pep talk or YouTube video can take me.

I haven't seen my family in three years. I don't bother going home to see them because they're busy with their own lives and I only see them briefly during dinner.

Friends that are still alive have all left my hometown and are scattered across the globe. None of us talk much. 

I am  miserable, tired, want to just quit life.

My beloved dog, my pupper, my best friend, my little buddy who turns four this July isn't doing well. He has inflammation and likely a tumor in his sciatic nerve. It is has almost completely paralyzed his right hind leg. His muscle has deteriorated. 

I've taken him to multiple vets and specialists, had a plethora of scans and have tried different medications and nothing works. The only positive results we had was with the steroids. Doctor said it wouldn't last and he would continue to decline.

He is a border collie/lab mix. All of his life he would run, want to play, chase balls, and wrestle with his golden brother. He still wants and enjoys those things but it breaks my heart seeing him struggle, limping towards a ball.

I took him for a walk at his favorite park yesterday. He immediately jumped out of the car and ran towards the lake and went swam. I chased after him not knowing how he would do in the water, but he did fine. Played with his brother, fetched sticks, he looked a lot like his old self. I loved it.

However, after 20 minutes of swimming and running he was exhausted and limping. I didn't want to over do it so we went back to the car, slowly. Had to stop a few times so he could rest. I went to pick him up and carry him but he growled as if to tell me that he could make it on his own power.

I cannot bear the thought of losing him so soon.   

Past

 The past is gone but it lives with me forever.

The places I travelled, people I travelled with, and the emotions I experienced during the trip.

Caleb always looked up to Vin Diesel and saw himself as something like a small version of him. Strong, masculine, and commandeering respect. We had countless conversations about him and he was a big part of the reason Caleb worked out in the gym the way he did.

I always saw myself more like Paul Walker. Free spirit, care free, loose, happy, and all good vibes.

In the end, we switched roles. I ended up like Vin Diesel, and Caleb, very much a Paul Walker.

Funny how much and how unpredictably we change throughout our lives.

The person we thought we'd be - hoped to be and worked towards being, doesn't always manifest himself in our spirit. A different person emerges; the complex product of the sum of our experiences, hopes, dreams, and desires. 

Sometimes, that person is broken, lost, and confused. Forever searching for peace and happiness; love and joy, never to find any of it.

Why must I feel so broke? I have nothing. I want nothing. I desire nothing. My soul is broke and scattered across the dust of the earth - the result of losing my two best friends.

I wish I had told you both how much I loved you, how important you were to everyone - your families, friends, and the community as a whole. I wish I hugged you both tighter. I wish I went to the movies with you that one time in high school Mark. Instead, I stayed home and played video games. 

I wish I went snowboarding with you over Christmas Caleb. Instead, I stayed home and read a book.

Experiences like those forever haunt me. I am filled with remorse and regret. I've tried to pick myself up again, and again. I always do. I always do. Only to fall harder the next time. 

Life has gotten the better of me I'm afraid. A few dozen victories on the battlefield amongst hundreds is far too few. I'm tired, beat up, worn out, and I've nothing left. 

Never got to see you grow old or get married. Never got to see you play with your kids at the beach.

All the things you missed out on - all the things I missed. Love, joy, sorrow, sadness. 

These memories are made before my eyes but they are but fiction - images placed in my mind like a storybook that doesn't exist. The pages write themselves rather than you as the author.

Love saves but it doesn't save me.  

State of the American Republic. Democracy. Stuff.

 Yesterday, Wednesday January the sixth, is a day that will forever live in some kind of infamy. Thousands of rioters and terrorists descended on our capital in a coup-attempt to overthrow democracy and thwart the results of a free and fair democratically-held election. Their intent was to keep a dictator in power.

Let's be clear. I am referring to the Republican party and Trump.
To everyone in the Republican party; starting with Trump and his cabinet. McConnell and all of the senators that supported him and continued to until their own was invaded. This includes Jim Jordan. Steve Daines. Ron Johnson. Marco Rubio. Everyone. The congressman and women, the representatives, and the citizens of this country that supported and continue to support the Republican party.

Every single of one them - nearly half the country - is a traitor. They're wicked and evil. They're traitors to everything good and right. They are without principal. Barbarians. They represent the ideals of a fanatical and radical ideology that our ancestors fled from and our forefathers fought against. They're not patriots. They're not heroes. They're uneducated and undereducated. Ignorant. Children. Weak. Seditious. Vile. Repulsive. They're are without any moral compass or good desire. 

To the ones who have openly committed both federal and state crimes: they deserve punishment. They should be locked away for years. This includes the high ranking cabinet members, senators, congressman and women, representatives, and everyone and anyone else. 

Charge them. Prosecute them. Lock them up and throw away the key.

And pursue the police and officials who stood-by and watched it happen. They failed in their duties. They ignored their oaths. They're part of the coup attempt and should be locked away.

Now that I have vented - let's discuss.

First - it's important we address the Democratic party - of which I am a member.
The Democratic party is weak, confused, and a mess. It is lead by old-timer Dems like Schumer and Pelosi. These are folks over 65 years old, who placed in power the president-elect, Joe Biden - who is also over 65 years old.
And this is a problem. Anyone and everyone over 65 years of age is simply out-of-touch with the heartbeat of the country. They do not understand the norms, the young people, the needs, the wants, and the dreams and desires of the day simply because it has been so long since they were an embedded part of society. I don't mean any disrespect to them here, my own parents are in their sixties, but after so many years you simply lose touch with most folks. I am in my thirties now and still don't understand TicToc, Instagram, and a lot of things that are popular with the youth and younger generation. 

We need young blood in the Democratic party. Leaders and politicians who have fire, desire, who are determined to make a difference, and who do not simply fall in line with the file and rank of the party. One member who represents this well is Alexandria O'Casio-Cortez.
She is a wonderful example of the difference between the legacy Dems and the new, fresh Dems that represent both my generation and every other generation. And I am certainly not the only one who feels this way. She speaks with pose, grace, and enthusiasm - which, is incredibly important in politics. Being assertive and enthusiastic about the issues says a lot about a politician believe it or not. Their voting record and effectiveness obviously matters as well but it goes hand in hand with their speech. Trump is the textbook definition of voice over everything else. His followers worship him as a god - not because he's intelligent, courageous, or a good leader, but because he uses language they understand and he doesn't sound pretentious.

The Dems are a legacy party - old, stale, slow-moving, unable to adapt to changing times, and incredibly weak. 
Listen to Schumer or Pelosi speak. They consistently speak of unity and "reach across the aisle" and "bipartisanship". - I'm sorry, but when was the last time the Republican party made any sort of realistic attempt at unity and compromise? Here is one of the biggest issues that the Dems refuse to address: change, adaptation. The Republican party today is not the Republican party of the 1980's or 1990's - the decades in which many of the Dem leadership either entered or rose to power. The Republican party isn't even the same party it was five years ago! The Democratic party meanwhile hasn't changed at all. They play by the same rules they did thirty, forty years ago.

They're scared to liberal ideology. Scared to push their own agendas because of fear the Right may not agree with them. They're passive and weak. Constantly attempting to work with Republicans and appease them. Meanwhile, the Republican wants nothing to do with the Dems. They don't want to compromise. They don't want to to work together. They want things their way. They have a vision of a dictatorship and riches and dreams for their political leaders. They don't care about the people - their constituents. They're selfish, wicked, and evil. The very antithesis of all that is good and righteous in the world.

Dems don't understand that - mostly due to their advanced age.

Look at Joe Biden. He was one of the worst Democratic candidates of the entire lot. He's old, out of touch with reality, slow, ineffective, and weak. He's not even in office yet and he's already discussing bipartisanship, and working with the Republicans.
- What the hell? We now own the House, the Senate, and the Presidency. Why the hell do we need to work with Republicans on anything? I say this not just out of anger and frustration, but logically why do we? They refused to work with us for the last twelve years. They attempted to overthrow our democracy. They refused to help us when we were (and still are) dying of a virus they refused (and some still refuse) to acknowledge existed. Even after they acknowledged the virus was a real-thing they still refused to supply or support mask-mandates, bar closures, crowd control measures, and worst of all, they refused to supply PPE to our doctors, nurses, and front-line medical workers. They refused (and still do) to provide temporary financial relief to us. The Dems supported $2,000 checks for every citizen. The republicans shot this down multiple times claiming it's socialism and that the government cannot afford it. At the same time they're providing record amounts of financial assistance to farmers because the very tariffs they enacted didn't work the way they thought they would. It turns out - tariffs actually hurt both consumers and producers of the nation enacting the tariffs. Who would have guessed? They also just passed a record setting military and budget funding bill - the budget actually has relief for corporations in the form of tax breaks, COVID revenue offsetting, and even "three-martini lunches". The people got absolutely nothing from it. Go ahead and look for yourself. There is nothing in the bill for us.

After all this - Dems still want to work with Republicans?
It's astounding. This goes to show how out-of-touch the Democratic party. First for not adapting to change during the Obama era and allowing Trump to rise to power (Hillary Clinton was one of, if not the worst candidate for the job), and now they have done it again by empowering Biden and attempting to work with Republicans. It's insane. How can you be this dull, dumb, and out of touch with literally everything in the country?

We need strength and we need it now - don't work with Republicans. Forge our way regardless of whether or not Republicans agree. Expand socialist programs like Medicare for all, stimulus checks, tax breaks for the middle and lower classes, decrease military funding, increase taxes on the wealthy and rich, tax corporations, and for the love of God prosecute and actually pursue these Republicans for their crimes.

My biggest fear is that Biden will sweep all of this under the rug and try to "reset" the country and beg for unity. For Godsake that is not what we need. We need prosecute all of these Republicans. We need to reform the justice system and law-enforcement. Racism and general stupidity abound within law enforcement. Require four year degrees for law enforcement. Remove qualified immunity. Prosecute the cops that don't do their job - they should be held to a higher standard than the average citizen.

I give the Biden administration one term unless they can actually and effectively enact change. The only reason the Dems have the power they have now is due to how terrible the Republican party. It says more about the Republicans than it does the Democrats. Literally - Biden won the office of the presidency not because of his intelligence, poise, morals, old-timer story-telling, or his incredible oratory skills - no, he won because the candidate he was going against just happened to be so terribly and hated that barely more than half of the country actually united against him. It's incredible sad. He didn't win on his own merit - rather, he won due to the lack of his opponents merit. had the Republicans had a better candidate, namely, anyone other than Trump, they would have destroyed the Dems. Corey Booker, Elizabeth Warren, Pete Buttigieg, Bernie Sanders, any of them would have been a better fit for the office of the presidency. 

We find ourselves in tumultuous times with no shining light at the end of the tunnel yet - even though we control the sphere of politics in the country right now - we still don't control the government.

There is an unwinding justice system stemming from the DOJ down to the courts and law enforcement to which the Dems have yet to present a plan explaining how they will address those issues.

There is no excuse for the Dems now. We should see radical change in this country within six-months. If not, then everything I am discussing here will remain true and an accurate representation of the Democratic party. They literally have nothing and no one in their way now. If they cannot change to a similar, if not greater degree and with more speed than the Republican party did under Trump, than they ought to just pack their bags and go home.

Caleb

Five years to the day. And I am worse than ever.

I see no light. I want no light. I want no one. I want nothing. I want to leave here. This is hell. 

Every sunrise is a tragedy becoming and each sunset a tale of regrets to forget forever. Each day grows darker and the nights longer. 

My mind is completely lost. I am tired. 

How to Learn

The title sounds dumb, I know. "How to learn". Maybe a lot of folks will see that and wonder what I am talking about, and take a nefarious viewpoint towards it. But I am dead serious.

What does it mean to learn and why am I saying this?

Learning is really, really difficult. I'll share my experience before diving further into it so if you want to skip this part feel free.

I was homeschooled my entire life until I went to college at 18. I come from a large, conservative family. My mother was the teacher, my father was out building homes and apartments. He was self-employed. My mother simply didn't have time to teach me due to her responsibilities for my other siblings and helping my father with their business. They made the decision to make me work and play sports, and school became something of an option to do; it was less of a priority than work and sports. They made this decision for me and my older brother. My sisters' focus was still on education.

As a result; my brother and I learned a lot outside the classroom. We developed a strong work-ethic and we were skilled and good at what we did both on the construction-sites and in sports.

This came at a huge cost, one I would pay-for later when I first got to college.

Freshman year for me began fall of 2006. I had a difficult childhood from a less-than-interested mother and father. So I was alone having to navigate this world by myself. Very stressful!

I quickly learned that I had a lot to learn. That I was behind everyone else. My best friend never studied freshman year for calculus, physics, or chemistry. Most folks in my classes were above-average intelligence. They grasped concepts quickly. My friends rarely studied. It was like this all came natural to them. I got one F in one class, followed by a D in another, followed by more poor grades in most of my classes. My work ethic kicked in and I made the decision that I would forgo dating, girls, parties, friends, gym, sports, video games, everything that meant anything to me I would bail on so I could focus on school. I got up every morning at 7:00 AM. I studied, went to class, studied between classes, after classes. I studied every minute of the day.

I would go to the Student Union building and study until 1:00 - 2:00 AM. The security guard would close the building at midnight and trusted me not to cause any harm, so I was always the last one out of the building. I did this everyday for an entire year of school, then I repeated it for another year after that.

I fell into depression. Major depression. I wanted to die. End my life. I couldn't see a reason to go on. My grades were barely improving and I couldn't figure it out. What was I doing wrong? I was literally studying more than every other person at that school. And I was still failing.

I hated myself. I thought I was the problem. I blamed myself. I hurt myself. I thought I was dumb. I thought I'd never amount to anything. I'll never forget; one day I went home to see my folks for the first time in months. I was in my bedroom and my father came in and told me he was not proud of me. He was ashamed. He told me to give up and do something else. He wasn't going to support me at all. I was broken. Absolutely broken. No one wants anyone to say that to them, least of all their father.

I finished one more semester before taking a year off to work back in my parents' town. I was still depressed, miserable, and confused. But college did one amazing thing. It lit a huge spark in me. A spark of curiosity that caused me to question everything in life. I wanted to know more about everything. I started spending my nights Googling. Buying books, magazines, and watching documentaries. I devoured every bit of knowledge I could.

That spark continues to this day.

I guess my point is that, it is really difficult to learn and to learn how to learn. It wasn't until my third year of college that I began to understand things. Things started to click and I wasn't doing so bad. Year after, little by little I picked myself up and built a foundation of knowledge that I was able to leverage and build upon further.

I know it is not this difficult for everyone; this was just my experience.

To add to my point: there is a plethora of folks in this country, half the folks in the United States don't seem to understand what it means to learn or how to learn effectively. I like to think I that I've out together a solid toolkit for learning over the years whereas most folks seem to stop learning or stop applying their knowledge of how to learn after a certain point. Those folks are the Republicans. The ones who are protesting mandates set-forth by state governments with recommendations coming from the CDC, hospitals, scientists, and folks who know a thing or two about COVID-19. The Republicans are so far behind the rest of us, so far removed from intelligence and self-awareness that they cannot see the irony behind protesting at a state capital with a mask on while holding a sign demanding states reopen for business as usual!

Absolutely insane!

I believe many of these folks are simply under-educated. The rest are willfully ignorant.

These are the folks who perhaps were left-behind, not stimulated, not pushed or not given the opportunity to learn all they wanted or all they could. It is the fault of themselves, their parents, and perhaps the state.