Death is interesting. I recently lost my best friend of 15 years to a tragic and sudden death. One that was laden with a series of unfortunate events and very peculiar timing, which is partly why I am writing this now. The other reason I am writing this now is because I simply want to and have been grieving over him since his accident on July 6th. I will never be the same man I was on July 5th. That old man is gone, forever and irrevocably changed.
This is about my dear friend Caleb.
I first met Caleb in summer of 2000 at a park where we were both practicing with the homeschool soccer team. I actually met him in 1999 but didn't realize it. We were both trying out for the team on a bloody hot summer day and at the time, soccer was not a big interest of mine so after that practice I never went back. I was busy with hockey, wrestling, baseball, and other sports. He stayed and played.
We played on that same team together until 2006. Winning the state championship together and leading our team as co-captains from 2003-2006. He was an incredibly talented soccer player and was easily leagues beyond all of us.
One year, I think it was 2001, I was watching him play a soccer match with a local city club. Because of his birth-date, the league would not allow him to play with kids his age so he was forced to play with younger kids who were no where near as skilled as he was. I watched him repeatedly launch the ball from half-field into the back of the other teams net. It was a very fair game.
There is so much I could write about, I mean it was 15 years! We were best friend for all 15 of those years!
But alas, I can't sit and write for that long so I think I will write when I feel like it.
He was my closest, dearest, most beloved friend. I sometimes feel cheated as if he was taken from me unfairly, like he deserved to continue life on this earth. But thinking about it in light of my Christian faith, I feel that he was truly blessed to leave this earth. I cannot know what God's thinking was surrounding Caleb's death, other than He was possibly thinking that Caleb was too good for this earth and that He had sent him here for a specific purpose and that purpose Caleb fulfilled. Like Elijah, Caleb was snatched from this earth and though he died (unlike Elijah), it was quick and I think without much, if any pain. He went on his terms and that's how he would have liked to go.
I shared many of my greatest joys and sorrows with him. In December, 2012, we lost our mutual best friend Mark and saw him put to rest. Throughout his death, Caleb was by my side and I by his. Upon Mark being lowered into the earth, I touch his coffin and lay hands on Caleb, and his on mine. Seeing one of your child-hood friends being lowered into the dirt, never to be seen again is more difficult and soul-wrenching than nearly anything imaginable. It is truly and remarkably devastating, gut-turning, and most miserable of all experience. I felt all joy and strength sapped from body and from my life. Caleb helped me through our friends death. We watched videos, looked at old pictures, and we grieved for our beloved friend Mark as only best friends can grieve. I never would have made it through with some sanity in-tact had it not been for my dear friend Caleb.
He was an angel, among the most perfect of men. None of us, us being his friends, caught him in a lie. He never cheated, and in held such disdain for cheating that if accused, he would go out of his way to do the opposite. He was incredibly self-less, devoting every free minute to helping members of his church, his friends, his family, and even strangers. Building fences, houses, landscaping, house-sitting, errands, fixing cars, he helped everyone and almost all of it was self-taught. He never took anything too seriously, but seriously took it all as seriously as was necessary. He loved to laugh, to tell jokes, and found humor in everything. He was cool, talented, good-looking, and was the perfect embodiment of what it means to be a man. He treated all people equally, and never hurt anyone. People who tried to find a reason not to like him could not help but love him because of how personable he was. He had such zeal for life that he would never make an enemy.
I still haven't fully digested it and I don't know if I ever will, but I loved him every second that I knew him and I feel so blessed to have known him and to be able to call him my best friend. I am forever changed again, just like I changed after the passing of Mark, this time the change is more profound. I don't know what is to happen in my future but I know that I will carry the memory of my dear friends with me forever, and take the lessons I learned from them with me always.
My heart mourns, my soul feels torn, torn into shreds and taters of love and servant-hood that only Christ can mend. I hope and pray that I might see them again soon and be reunited with them in heaven.
Caleb, I miss you so much and I selfishly wish you were still here so we could have done our usual summer thing: kayaking and fishing the Missouri. Talking theology, the Bible, girls, and what lies ahead. I miss your jokes, your humor, your love, and your strength. You helped shape me into the man I am today. I wish I could be as strong as you were, as loving as you were, and as great a man as you were but I cannot seem to find it in me. I fall short, I am weak, I am not you.
I miss playing soccer with you, and basketball, playing frisbee with together with Kenny, and playing catch at the park. I miss riding motorcycles together, going to the mall for hours and not finding anything to buy, and counting positives and negatives.
I miss biking around the city with you, playing video-games with you, and swimming at our usual spot along the Dearborn. Climbing buildings at night, drinking beer at the local watering holes, and losing to you at pool.
I miss your goofy texts, your Christmas sweaters, and your James Bond underwear. You wore it proudly. I miss you when you were angry, and when you were sad. Especially when you were happy. I miss how calm you were, and how in the face of utter defeat you would never admit defeat.
You were easily the most loved friend I have ever had, not just by me, but by everyone who you came into contact with. From Ireland to South America; Hawaii to New York. Your presence was profound and intimate.
My heart mourns and I still cry like a baby, I don't know how or when I will stop and I don't really care because you were my best friend and that's what some of us do. I learned so much from you and try to emulate some of your character any chance I get. My soul cries for you; my heart bleeds. I love you so much.
