Past

 The past is gone but it lives with me forever.

The places I travelled, people I travelled with, and the emotions I experienced during the trip.

Caleb always looked up to Vin Diesel and saw himself as something like a small version of him. Strong, masculine, and commandeering respect. We had countless conversations about him and he was a big part of the reason Caleb worked out in the gym the way he did.

I always saw myself more like Paul Walker. Free spirit, care free, loose, happy, and all good vibes.

In the end, we switched roles. I ended up like Vin Diesel, and Caleb, very much a Paul Walker.

Funny how much and how unpredictably we change throughout our lives.

The person we thought we'd be - hoped to be and worked towards being, doesn't always manifest himself in our spirit. A different person emerges; the complex product of the sum of our experiences, hopes, dreams, and desires. 

Sometimes, that person is broken, lost, and confused. Forever searching for peace and happiness; love and joy, never to find any of it.

Why must I feel so broke? I have nothing. I want nothing. I desire nothing. My soul is broke and scattered across the dust of the earth - the result of losing my two best friends.

I wish I had told you both how much I loved you, how important you were to everyone - your families, friends, and the community as a whole. I wish I hugged you both tighter. I wish I went to the movies with you that one time in high school Mark. Instead, I stayed home and played video games. 

I wish I went snowboarding with you over Christmas Caleb. Instead, I stayed home and read a book.

Experiences like those forever haunt me. I am filled with remorse and regret. I've tried to pick myself up again, and again. I always do. I always do. Only to fall harder the next time. 

Life has gotten the better of me I'm afraid. A few dozen victories on the battlefield amongst hundreds is far too few. I'm tired, beat up, worn out, and I've nothing left. 

Never got to see you grow old or get married. Never got to see you play with your kids at the beach.

All the things you missed out on - all the things I missed. Love, joy, sorrow, sadness. 

These memories are made before my eyes but they are but fiction - images placed in my mind like a storybook that doesn't exist. The pages write themselves rather than you as the author.

Love saves but it doesn't save me.