How to Learn

The title sounds dumb, I know. "How to learn". Maybe a lot of folks will see that and wonder what I am talking about, and take a nefarious viewpoint towards it. But I am dead serious.

What does it mean to learn and why am I saying this?

Learning is really, really difficult. I'll share my experience before diving further into it so if you want to skip this part feel free.

I was homeschooled my entire life until I went to college at 18. I come from a large, conservative family. My mother was the teacher, my father was out building homes and apartments. He was self-employed. My mother simply didn't have time to teach me due to her responsibilities for my other siblings and helping my father with their business. They made the decision to make me work and play sports, and school became something of an option to do; it was less of a priority than work and sports. They made this decision for me and my older brother. My sisters' focus was still on education.

As a result; my brother and I learned a lot outside the classroom. We developed a strong work-ethic and we were skilled and good at what we did both on the construction-sites and in sports.

This came at a huge cost, one I would pay-for later when I first got to college.

Freshman year for me began fall of 2006. I had a difficult childhood from a less-than-interested mother and father. So I was alone having to navigate this world by myself. Very stressful!

I quickly learned that I had a lot to learn. That I was behind everyone else. My best friend never studied freshman year for calculus, physics, or chemistry. Most folks in my classes were above-average intelligence. They grasped concepts quickly. My friends rarely studied. It was like this all came natural to them. I got one F in one class, followed by a D in another, followed by more poor grades in most of my classes. My work ethic kicked in and I made the decision that I would forgo dating, girls, parties, friends, gym, sports, video games, everything that meant anything to me I would bail on so I could focus on school. I got up every morning at 7:00 AM. I studied, went to class, studied between classes, after classes. I studied every minute of the day.

I would go to the Student Union building and study until 1:00 - 2:00 AM. The security guard would close the building at midnight and trusted me not to cause any harm, so I was always the last one out of the building. I did this everyday for an entire year of school, then I repeated it for another year after that.

I fell into depression. Major depression. I wanted to die. End my life. I couldn't see a reason to go on. My grades were barely improving and I couldn't figure it out. What was I doing wrong? I was literally studying more than every other person at that school. And I was still failing.

I hated myself. I thought I was the problem. I blamed myself. I hurt myself. I thought I was dumb. I thought I'd never amount to anything. I'll never forget; one day I went home to see my folks for the first time in months. I was in my bedroom and my father came in and told me he was not proud of me. He was ashamed. He told me to give up and do something else. He wasn't going to support me at all. I was broken. Absolutely broken. No one wants anyone to say that to them, least of all their father.

I finished one more semester before taking a year off to work back in my parents' town. I was still depressed, miserable, and confused. But college did one amazing thing. It lit a huge spark in me. A spark of curiosity that caused me to question everything in life. I wanted to know more about everything. I started spending my nights Googling. Buying books, magazines, and watching documentaries. I devoured every bit of knowledge I could.

That spark continues to this day.

I guess my point is that, it is really difficult to learn and to learn how to learn. It wasn't until my third year of college that I began to understand things. Things started to click and I wasn't doing so bad. Year after, little by little I picked myself up and built a foundation of knowledge that I was able to leverage and build upon further.

I know it is not this difficult for everyone; this was just my experience.

To add to my point: there is a plethora of folks in this country, half the folks in the United States don't seem to understand what it means to learn or how to learn effectively. I like to think I that I've out together a solid toolkit for learning over the years whereas most folks seem to stop learning or stop applying their knowledge of how to learn after a certain point. Those folks are the Republicans. The ones who are protesting mandates set-forth by state governments with recommendations coming from the CDC, hospitals, scientists, and folks who know a thing or two about COVID-19. The Republicans are so far behind the rest of us, so far removed from intelligence and self-awareness that they cannot see the irony behind protesting at a state capital with a mask on while holding a sign demanding states reopen for business as usual!

Absolutely insane!

I believe many of these folks are simply under-educated. The rest are willfully ignorant.

These are the folks who perhaps were left-behind, not stimulated, not pushed or not given the opportunity to learn all they wanted or all they could. It is the fault of themselves, their parents, and perhaps the state.

Loss

It never goes away. It doesn't really fade either. I still think about you everyday. It's not even a conscious decision, you're just there, here, everywhere. Your smile, your jokes, your love, your laugh, your smell, your strength, your mannerisms and how you would react to my stories and jokes. 

It's like living in an alternate reality. I see where our memories would have been made. I see the alternate reality and want that more than anything in life. I'd give up everything and anything just to see you once more. Just to hear your voice, you saying "hey" is all I need. 

This doesn't get easier, things do not get better. Memory fades but does is not erased. I know what lies ahead and don't want to face it. I'm a coward. Scared. I was always the worrier. You took risks, you lived life. 

I wanted to see you fall in love and marry. Have kids. We would attend church together. Work on our cars, build our homes, see Man U play Barca. We were never meant to be apart like this. 

I'm still crushed. Beyond crushed I am defeated. I've lost my will. Lost my hope. Lost everything. 

You saved me from my father. You helped me with my father. You showed me a world I would have missed. And now I miss it more than ever.

You and Mark are gone. Gone. Gone. Gone forever. It doesn't make sense. Why am I still here? Why are you both gone? For what purpose? For what reason? Why am I left here alone?

I don't want friends. I don't want anyone else in my life. I feel like I'm losing my mind. Everything I loved. Cared for. Hoped. Wished for. Its gone. You're both gone. 

I just don't understand. I saw you both. Blue faced. Tired. Gone. Soulless. Nothing but the hollow bodies. I had to watch your families mourn. Late nights of stories. Beer. Song. And so many wondering "why?" 

Why are you gone? Why has this happened? I would sacrifice, would give myself up a hundred times than have had this ever happen. 

Everything is dark. Its grey. Its overcast. I don't feel anything. I don't want anything. Just tell me why this happened? 

Why am I here? For what reason am I still here? Everyday is a nightmare. Its pain. Agony. Its feeling defeated before I even land on my feet. This is defeat. This is loss. This is losing. This is what it's like to suffer. My heart is too tired. Why have I not given up yet?

I have nothing. I am nothing. I want nothing. As Teddy said, "the light has gone out of my life". All light is gone. It is dark and I don't care to see which way I go. 

I am coward. Weak. So weak. Spiritually. Mentally. Physically. 

I see memories everyday. I make new ones. I miss the old ones.  No one understands. No one relates.