Loss

It never goes away. It doesn't really fade either. I still think about you everyday. It's not even a conscious decision, you're just there, here, everywhere. Your smile, your jokes, your love, your laugh, your smell, your strength, your mannerisms and how you would react to my stories and jokes. 

It's like living in an alternate reality. I see where our memories would have been made. I see the alternate reality and want that more than anything in life. I'd give up everything and anything just to see you once more. Just to hear your voice, you saying "hey" is all I need. 

This doesn't get easier, things do not get better. Memory fades but does is not erased. I know what lies ahead and don't want to face it. I'm a coward. Scared. I was always the worrier. You took risks, you lived life. 

I wanted to see you fall in love and marry. Have kids. We would attend church together. Work on our cars, build our homes, see Man U play Barca. We were never meant to be apart like this. 

I'm still crushed. Beyond crushed I am defeated. I've lost my will. Lost my hope. Lost everything. 

You saved me from my father. You helped me with my father. You showed me a world I would have missed. And now I miss it more than ever.

You and Mark are gone. Gone. Gone. Gone forever. It doesn't make sense. Why am I still here? Why are you both gone? For what purpose? For what reason? Why am I left here alone?

I don't want friends. I don't want anyone else in my life. I feel like I'm losing my mind. Everything I loved. Cared for. Hoped. Wished for. Its gone. You're both gone. 

I just don't understand. I saw you both. Blue faced. Tired. Gone. Soulless. Nothing but the hollow bodies. I had to watch your families mourn. Late nights of stories. Beer. Song. And so many wondering "why?" 

Why are you gone? Why has this happened? I would sacrifice, would give myself up a hundred times than have had this ever happen. 

Everything is dark. Its grey. Its overcast. I don't feel anything. I don't want anything. Just tell me why this happened? 

Why am I here? For what reason am I still here? Everyday is a nightmare. Its pain. Agony. Its feeling defeated before I even land on my feet. This is defeat. This is loss. This is losing. This is what it's like to suffer. My heart is too tired. Why have I not given up yet?

I have nothing. I am nothing. I want nothing. As Teddy said, "the light has gone out of my life". All light is gone. It is dark and I don't care to see which way I go. 

I am coward. Weak. So weak. Spiritually. Mentally. Physically. 

I see memories everyday. I make new ones. I miss the old ones.  No one understands. No one relates.