Falling

 I don't know how much longer I can continue living.

How do people do it? I feel so alone and separate from society. It's like I am witnessing them living part of their best lives while I am constantly tired, struggling, and frustrated.

My friends are gone and I miss them and love them with all my heart and no matter how hard I try, I cannot make new friends. It's like a wall has gone up between me and society/people. A wall I just can't overcome. 

I am jealous and sad seeing others so happy. Friends together in groups at breweries, playing golf, or enjoying a bbq together. I watch from this window and remember what that was like, how it felt to be surrounded by a group of people who love you and you love back. Enjoying the moment together, comfortable, happy, and so thankful to have the love of each and every one of them in your life. It helps to propel you forward, to refresh after a long week and begin a new week. The jokes, conversations, experiences, all help to heal wounds and strengthen your bones. 

How else do you get through a work week? No amount of solitary confinement will to prepare you for another week - and, after so many weeks, you feel exhausted, burnt out, and wanting to collapse.

That's how I feel. I want someone to wrap me in their arms and tell me everything is going to be OK. Tell me "you got this", "I have your back", "I believe in you". Those words of affirmation, that physical touch, goes further than any self pep talk or YouTube video can take me.

I haven't seen my family in three years. I don't bother going home to see them because they're busy with their own lives and I only see them briefly during dinner.

Friends that are still alive have all left my hometown and are scattered across the globe. None of us talk much. 

I am  miserable, tired, want to just quit life.

My beloved dog, my pupper, my best friend, my little buddy who turns four this July isn't doing well. He has inflammation and likely a tumor in his sciatic nerve. It is has almost completely paralyzed his right hind leg. His muscle has deteriorated. 

I've taken him to multiple vets and specialists, had a plethora of scans and have tried different medications and nothing works. The only positive results we had was with the steroids. Doctor said it wouldn't last and he would continue to decline.

He is a border collie/lab mix. All of his life he would run, want to play, chase balls, and wrestle with his golden brother. He still wants and enjoys those things but it breaks my heart seeing him struggle, limping towards a ball.

I took him for a walk at his favorite park yesterday. He immediately jumped out of the car and ran towards the lake and went swam. I chased after him not knowing how he would do in the water, but he did fine. Played with his brother, fetched sticks, he looked a lot like his old self. I loved it.

However, after 20 minutes of swimming and running he was exhausted and limping. I didn't want to over do it so we went back to the car, slowly. Had to stop a few times so he could rest. I went to pick him up and carry him but he growled as if to tell me that he could make it on his own power.

I cannot bear the thought of losing him so soon.   

Past

 The past is gone but it lives with me forever.

The places I travelled, people I travelled with, and the emotions I experienced during the trip.

Caleb always looked up to Vin Diesel and saw himself as something like a small version of him. Strong, masculine, and commandeering respect. We had countless conversations about him and he was a big part of the reason Caleb worked out in the gym the way he did.

I always saw myself more like Paul Walker. Free spirit, care free, loose, happy, and all good vibes.

In the end, we switched roles. I ended up like Vin Diesel, and Caleb, very much a Paul Walker.

Funny how much and how unpredictably we change throughout our lives.

The person we thought we'd be - hoped to be and worked towards being, doesn't always manifest himself in our spirit. A different person emerges; the complex product of the sum of our experiences, hopes, dreams, and desires. 

Sometimes, that person is broken, lost, and confused. Forever searching for peace and happiness; love and joy, never to find any of it.

Why must I feel so broke? I have nothing. I want nothing. I desire nothing. My soul is broke and scattered across the dust of the earth - the result of losing my two best friends.

I wish I had told you both how much I loved you, how important you were to everyone - your families, friends, and the community as a whole. I wish I hugged you both tighter. I wish I went to the movies with you that one time in high school Mark. Instead, I stayed home and played video games. 

I wish I went snowboarding with you over Christmas Caleb. Instead, I stayed home and read a book.

Experiences like those forever haunt me. I am filled with remorse and regret. I've tried to pick myself up again, and again. I always do. I always do. Only to fall harder the next time. 

Life has gotten the better of me I'm afraid. A few dozen victories on the battlefield amongst hundreds is far too few. I'm tired, beat up, worn out, and I've nothing left. 

Never got to see you grow old or get married. Never got to see you play with your kids at the beach.

All the things you missed out on - all the things I missed. Love, joy, sorrow, sadness. 

These memories are made before my eyes but they are but fiction - images placed in my mind like a storybook that doesn't exist. The pages write themselves rather than you as the author.

Love saves but it doesn't save me.