Life With Loss

Life without my best friend has been tremendously difficult. It has been exactly 11 months since I last saw him. I cannot help but think of him everyday and even into the night where I dream about him. Nearly every night we are on another adventure together; sometimes we are cowboys on horseback, other times we are soccer. Still yet, there are many dreams where I see him and I break down crying telling him that he shouldn't be there and that I know he is gone, where I acknowledge him and do everything I can to grab and hold him. I loved him so much, he was so dear to me.

I now know what it's like to have a piece of your heart hollowed out. There is a part of me that is forever gone, lost to a ripple of time. Part of me will never know the peace and love that I once knew. I will never fully understand why he died or why any of it had to happen.

I have now been older than him for 10 months; 10 months I have outlived him and wish I never had. 10 months of pain, agony, and sorrow, only for another X amount of months to look forward to. I am broken, shattered, beaten, and poor.

My only reason and my only hope for returning home was because of him. My wife has wanted to move back home ever since we met and I had planned on it until his passing. Home is not home anymore. Back home, I see him everywhere. On the street where we once rode our bikes, at the parks where we once played soccer, in the fields where we would go shooting, along the train tracks where we rode our motorcycles, across the river where every summer we set about in kayaks and traveled up and down and around all the little islands, at stores, restaurants, the movies, malls, bars, everywhere. There is not a single place in town we did not venture whether on our bikes or in our cars. Across the entire state of Montana he left his mark. I cannot go anywhere in Montana without seeing him. Even here in Washington I see him when he came to visit me April of last year. He sat on my couch, right next to where I am sitting now.

For what reason do we have to live? I cannot fathom living a long life without him. Our plans together extended towards the very ends of the universe, a place that I now know we will not reach together. I mourn the times we could have had but never will. I wanted him to meet my future children and I his. He never got to marry or have kids. He never had the kind of lasting and loving relationship that I have always taken for granted.

My best man that never was. I still keep our last conversations we had over text. It began with me telling him where to go to get his tuxedo in town. He went and was fitted during the last week of June, two weeks later he was gone and I was at the very shop getting my tux fitted and having to explain to the ladies there that he would no longer be needing his suit.

A single candle, set atop a podium represented his presence at my wedding, along with bows we had tied to each pew in the church.

What to do? I cannot find any reason to rejoice or love life. It is pain and sorrow that never ceases. Who is next to go?

The last four years of my life have been awful. I lost all my grandparents, half to horrific accidents. Besides losing my very best friend Caleb last year, I lost my only other best friend, Mark back in 2012. I cannot lose anyone else, it has to stop at some point right?

He was the kindest, most sincere and genuine person I've ever known. His time was never his, it was everyone else's. He was always helping people including me. I remember back two years ago I had returned home for Christmas to be with my family, it was 11:30 PM and we had an intense blizzard outside. I had decided to go snow-shovel my families commercial properties because I knew the snow would freeze over night making it more difficult in the morning. Well, up until 11:30 I was at Chiles with my friends including Caleb. Everyone had planned to go watch a movie at another friends house so as we were leaving Caleb comes over and tells me that he wants to help, I refuse his help and tell him that he should go watch the movie because everyone was expecting him to, but instead he comes with me and from 11:30 until 2:30AM we shoveled snow.

The same story can be found with a hundred other people that Caleb had helped. Neighbors, friends, family, even strangers. I'll never forget how, after my father suffered two strokes, Caleb was the first one to call, first to offer to help, and first to actually help. He helped me manage my fathers properties, helped take care of things, and was always just there to help.

Throughout the last 16 years of my life, Caleb was always there. We went swimming together everyday, watched Seinfeld and Jeopardy, Chris Farley movies and played video games like Call of Duty, Red Faction, and Super Smash Brothers. We played soccer, basketball, golf, and played catch and frisbee every summer. We wrestled, joked, told stories, and competed with one another. He pushed me to new heights and I always strived to be a better man because of him. I cannot possibly put into words the full weight of his power and how he influenced me and changed the course of my life. So much love.

In high-school sports we were given nicknames, mine was Wuv because I was popular with the girls and he was Sunny, because he was cool and calm, and some people said it was given him because of his positivity, others said it was because he reminded them of the singer from the band P.O.D.

Sometimes we called him K-Bob, or K-Bobby. He never liked it.

I miss his jokes, his sense of humor, and all the accents he could do so flawlessly. Switching between British and Australian, he would make everyone laugh beyond reason.

He had such immense strength, you know, the kind of strength and courage that scares you. No matter how high the building, the mountain, or the cliff, he would climb it and then leap off so long as there was a body of water beneath him.

After he tried beer he really took to it. Within a couple years of first trying beer, he was brewing his own in his little apartment. Once, his brew went bad and exploded sending foam and yeast towards every square inch of his apartment.

There are only a single handful of times where his mood was not usual. I can only recall once or maybe twice where he was actually very sad and both involved a girl. I can only recall a few times when he was genuinely angry, and all of those times occurred during soccer matches.

Never was there a moment where he spoke bad about someone or to someone. Never was a moment where he backed away from doing something out of fear. I saw him stand on a 2x4 over 50 feet in the air with absolutely nothing to break his fall in any direction for more than 20 feet. I was terrified he would fall!

He gave me reason, purpose, and drive. Without him I have lost all three. I have no idea what I'm doing career-wise anymore. Nor do I have much of a drive. I don't know why I'm here or what I can do to give myself purpose. I miss him so much and wish that I had died not him, because there are more people in this world that need him than need me.

During the summers his hair would turn blonde and he would look like a California surfer. Blue eyes, strong build, slicked back hair. He was cool.

Above everything, he was my dearest and most beloved friend. I thought we were intwined into eachothers lives for all of time; that we would grow old together and have families and live next to one another. We had planned to build our homes together, to work together, go to church together, host bible groups together, teach sports together, and to always be together. My heart is just broken broken broken.

I don't deserve to be here unless it is seen as punishment. I have done nothing with my life, I have achieved nothing! He touched so many lives and had such a great impact on so many people that it would be impossible to quantitatively figure his life. I am selfish, mean, and full of problems. The world has plenty of me, the world needs more of him. I would die a hundred deaths if it meant having him back and getting to see him.

I miss you Caleb, I miss you man so much! I hope I get to see you again. Life is miserable without you. We shared the same name, friends, hobbies, sports, and taste in girls. We liked the same movies, actors, music, and food. People thought we were brothers, then they thought we were gay, then they just weren't sure. We dressed the same, looked the same, and acted the same. You have broken my heart, you have broken me. How could you leave me like this? Why?! It doesn't make sense. We all have a part to play so how can yours be so short? 27 years. One month separated us. 3 miles stood between us but it might as well have been five feet. I miss you, love you, and will always love you with all my heart. Tell Mark I miss him, I love him, and I hope to see you both one day soon. My life has been shattered by you both and will only heal and get put back together when I get to see you both again.