How to Learn

The title sounds dumb, I know. "How to learn". Maybe a lot of folks will see that and wonder what I am talking about, and take a nefarious viewpoint towards it. But I am dead serious.

What does it mean to learn and why am I saying this?

Learning is really, really difficult. I'll share my experience before diving further into it so if you want to skip this part feel free.

I was homeschooled my entire life until I went to college at 18. I come from a large, conservative family. My mother was the teacher, my father was out building homes and apartments. He was self-employed. My mother simply didn't have time to teach me due to her responsibilities for my other siblings and helping my father with their business. They made the decision to make me work and play sports, and school became something of an option to do; it was less of a priority than work and sports. They made this decision for me and my older brother. My sisters' focus was still on education.

As a result; my brother and I learned a lot outside the classroom. We developed a strong work-ethic and we were skilled and good at what we did both on the construction-sites and in sports.

This came at a huge cost, one I would pay-for later when I first got to college.

Freshman year for me began fall of 2006. I had a difficult childhood from a less-than-interested mother and father. So I was alone having to navigate this world by myself. Very stressful!

I quickly learned that I had a lot to learn. That I was behind everyone else. My best friend never studied freshman year for calculus, physics, or chemistry. Most folks in my classes were above-average intelligence. They grasped concepts quickly. My friends rarely studied. It was like this all came natural to them. I got one F in one class, followed by a D in another, followed by more poor grades in most of my classes. My work ethic kicked in and I made the decision that I would forgo dating, girls, parties, friends, gym, sports, video games, everything that meant anything to me I would bail on so I could focus on school. I got up every morning at 7:00 AM. I studied, went to class, studied between classes, after classes. I studied every minute of the day.

I would go to the Student Union building and study until 1:00 - 2:00 AM. The security guard would close the building at midnight and trusted me not to cause any harm, so I was always the last one out of the building. I did this everyday for an entire year of school, then I repeated it for another year after that.

I fell into depression. Major depression. I wanted to die. End my life. I couldn't see a reason to go on. My grades were barely improving and I couldn't figure it out. What was I doing wrong? I was literally studying more than every other person at that school. And I was still failing.

I hated myself. I thought I was the problem. I blamed myself. I hurt myself. I thought I was dumb. I thought I'd never amount to anything. I'll never forget; one day I went home to see my folks for the first time in months. I was in my bedroom and my father came in and told me he was not proud of me. He was ashamed. He told me to give up and do something else. He wasn't going to support me at all. I was broken. Absolutely broken. No one wants anyone to say that to them, least of all their father.

I finished one more semester before taking a year off to work back in my parents' town. I was still depressed, miserable, and confused. But college did one amazing thing. It lit a huge spark in me. A spark of curiosity that caused me to question everything in life. I wanted to know more about everything. I started spending my nights Googling. Buying books, magazines, and watching documentaries. I devoured every bit of knowledge I could.

That spark continues to this day.

I guess my point is that, it is really difficult to learn and to learn how to learn. It wasn't until my third year of college that I began to understand things. Things started to click and I wasn't doing so bad. Year after, little by little I picked myself up and built a foundation of knowledge that I was able to leverage and build upon further.

I know it is not this difficult for everyone; this was just my experience.

To add to my point: there is a plethora of folks in this country, half the folks in the United States don't seem to understand what it means to learn or how to learn effectively. I like to think I that I've out together a solid toolkit for learning over the years whereas most folks seem to stop learning or stop applying their knowledge of how to learn after a certain point. Those folks are the Republicans. The ones who are protesting mandates set-forth by state governments with recommendations coming from the CDC, hospitals, scientists, and folks who know a thing or two about COVID-19. The Republicans are so far behind the rest of us, so far removed from intelligence and self-awareness that they cannot see the irony behind protesting at a state capital with a mask on while holding a sign demanding states reopen for business as usual!

Absolutely insane!

I believe many of these folks are simply under-educated. The rest are willfully ignorant.

These are the folks who perhaps were left-behind, not stimulated, not pushed or not given the opportunity to learn all they wanted or all they could. It is the fault of themselves, their parents, and perhaps the state.

Loss

It never goes away. It doesn't really fade either. I still think about you everyday. It's not even a conscious decision, you're just there, here, everywhere. Your smile, your jokes, your love, your laugh, your smell, your strength, your mannerisms and how you would react to my stories and jokes. 

It's like living in an alternate reality. I see where our memories would have been made. I see the alternate reality and want that more than anything in life. I'd give up everything and anything just to see you once more. Just to hear your voice, you saying "hey" is all I need. 

This doesn't get easier, things do not get better. Memory fades but does is not erased. I know what lies ahead and don't want to face it. I'm a coward. Scared. I was always the worrier. You took risks, you lived life. 

I wanted to see you fall in love and marry. Have kids. We would attend church together. Work on our cars, build our homes, see Man U play Barca. We were never meant to be apart like this. 

I'm still crushed. Beyond crushed I am defeated. I've lost my will. Lost my hope. Lost everything. 

You saved me from my father. You helped me with my father. You showed me a world I would have missed. And now I miss it more than ever.

You and Mark are gone. Gone. Gone. Gone forever. It doesn't make sense. Why am I still here? Why are you both gone? For what purpose? For what reason? Why am I left here alone?

I don't want friends. I don't want anyone else in my life. I feel like I'm losing my mind. Everything I loved. Cared for. Hoped. Wished for. Its gone. You're both gone. 

I just don't understand. I saw you both. Blue faced. Tired. Gone. Soulless. Nothing but the hollow bodies. I had to watch your families mourn. Late nights of stories. Beer. Song. And so many wondering "why?" 

Why are you gone? Why has this happened? I would sacrifice, would give myself up a hundred times than have had this ever happen. 

Everything is dark. Its grey. Its overcast. I don't feel anything. I don't want anything. Just tell me why this happened? 

Why am I here? For what reason am I still here? Everyday is a nightmare. Its pain. Agony. Its feeling defeated before I even land on my feet. This is defeat. This is loss. This is losing. This is what it's like to suffer. My heart is too tired. Why have I not given up yet?

I have nothing. I am nothing. I want nothing. As Teddy said, "the light has gone out of my life". All light is gone. It is dark and I don't care to see which way I go. 

I am coward. Weak. So weak. Spiritually. Mentally. Physically. 

I see memories everyday. I make new ones. I miss the old ones.  No one understands. No one relates. 

Life With Loss

Life without my best friend has been tremendously difficult. It has been exactly 11 months since I last saw him. I cannot help but think of him everyday and even into the night where I dream about him. Nearly every night we are on another adventure together; sometimes we are cowboys on horseback, other times we are soccer. Still yet, there are many dreams where I see him and I break down crying telling him that he shouldn't be there and that I know he is gone, where I acknowledge him and do everything I can to grab and hold him. I loved him so much, he was so dear to me.

I now know what it's like to have a piece of your heart hollowed out. There is a part of me that is forever gone, lost to a ripple of time. Part of me will never know the peace and love that I once knew. I will never fully understand why he died or why any of it had to happen.

I have now been older than him for 10 months; 10 months I have outlived him and wish I never had. 10 months of pain, agony, and sorrow, only for another X amount of months to look forward to. I am broken, shattered, beaten, and poor.

My only reason and my only hope for returning home was because of him. My wife has wanted to move back home ever since we met and I had planned on it until his passing. Home is not home anymore. Back home, I see him everywhere. On the street where we once rode our bikes, at the parks where we once played soccer, in the fields where we would go shooting, along the train tracks where we rode our motorcycles, across the river where every summer we set about in kayaks and traveled up and down and around all the little islands, at stores, restaurants, the movies, malls, bars, everywhere. There is not a single place in town we did not venture whether on our bikes or in our cars. Across the entire state of Montana he left his mark. I cannot go anywhere in Montana without seeing him. Even here in Washington I see him when he came to visit me April of last year. He sat on my couch, right next to where I am sitting now.

For what reason do we have to live? I cannot fathom living a long life without him. Our plans together extended towards the very ends of the universe, a place that I now know we will not reach together. I mourn the times we could have had but never will. I wanted him to meet my future children and I his. He never got to marry or have kids. He never had the kind of lasting and loving relationship that I have always taken for granted.

My best man that never was. I still keep our last conversations we had over text. It began with me telling him where to go to get his tuxedo in town. He went and was fitted during the last week of June, two weeks later he was gone and I was at the very shop getting my tux fitted and having to explain to the ladies there that he would no longer be needing his suit.

A single candle, set atop a podium represented his presence at my wedding, along with bows we had tied to each pew in the church.

What to do? I cannot find any reason to rejoice or love life. It is pain and sorrow that never ceases. Who is next to go?

The last four years of my life have been awful. I lost all my grandparents, half to horrific accidents. Besides losing my very best friend Caleb last year, I lost my only other best friend, Mark back in 2012. I cannot lose anyone else, it has to stop at some point right?

He was the kindest, most sincere and genuine person I've ever known. His time was never his, it was everyone else's. He was always helping people including me. I remember back two years ago I had returned home for Christmas to be with my family, it was 11:30 PM and we had an intense blizzard outside. I had decided to go snow-shovel my families commercial properties because I knew the snow would freeze over night making it more difficult in the morning. Well, up until 11:30 I was at Chiles with my friends including Caleb. Everyone had planned to go watch a movie at another friends house so as we were leaving Caleb comes over and tells me that he wants to help, I refuse his help and tell him that he should go watch the movie because everyone was expecting him to, but instead he comes with me and from 11:30 until 2:30AM we shoveled snow.

The same story can be found with a hundred other people that Caleb had helped. Neighbors, friends, family, even strangers. I'll never forget how, after my father suffered two strokes, Caleb was the first one to call, first to offer to help, and first to actually help. He helped me manage my fathers properties, helped take care of things, and was always just there to help.

Throughout the last 16 years of my life, Caleb was always there. We went swimming together everyday, watched Seinfeld and Jeopardy, Chris Farley movies and played video games like Call of Duty, Red Faction, and Super Smash Brothers. We played soccer, basketball, golf, and played catch and frisbee every summer. We wrestled, joked, told stories, and competed with one another. He pushed me to new heights and I always strived to be a better man because of him. I cannot possibly put into words the full weight of his power and how he influenced me and changed the course of my life. So much love.

In high-school sports we were given nicknames, mine was Wuv because I was popular with the girls and he was Sunny, because he was cool and calm, and some people said it was given him because of his positivity, others said it was because he reminded them of the singer from the band P.O.D.

Sometimes we called him K-Bob, or K-Bobby. He never liked it.

I miss his jokes, his sense of humor, and all the accents he could do so flawlessly. Switching between British and Australian, he would make everyone laugh beyond reason.

He had such immense strength, you know, the kind of strength and courage that scares you. No matter how high the building, the mountain, or the cliff, he would climb it and then leap off so long as there was a body of water beneath him.

After he tried beer he really took to it. Within a couple years of first trying beer, he was brewing his own in his little apartment. Once, his brew went bad and exploded sending foam and yeast towards every square inch of his apartment.

There are only a single handful of times where his mood was not usual. I can only recall once or maybe twice where he was actually very sad and both involved a girl. I can only recall a few times when he was genuinely angry, and all of those times occurred during soccer matches.

Never was there a moment where he spoke bad about someone or to someone. Never was a moment where he backed away from doing something out of fear. I saw him stand on a 2x4 over 50 feet in the air with absolutely nothing to break his fall in any direction for more than 20 feet. I was terrified he would fall!

He gave me reason, purpose, and drive. Without him I have lost all three. I have no idea what I'm doing career-wise anymore. Nor do I have much of a drive. I don't know why I'm here or what I can do to give myself purpose. I miss him so much and wish that I had died not him, because there are more people in this world that need him than need me.

During the summers his hair would turn blonde and he would look like a California surfer. Blue eyes, strong build, slicked back hair. He was cool.

Above everything, he was my dearest and most beloved friend. I thought we were intwined into eachothers lives for all of time; that we would grow old together and have families and live next to one another. We had planned to build our homes together, to work together, go to church together, host bible groups together, teach sports together, and to always be together. My heart is just broken broken broken.

I don't deserve to be here unless it is seen as punishment. I have done nothing with my life, I have achieved nothing! He touched so many lives and had such a great impact on so many people that it would be impossible to quantitatively figure his life. I am selfish, mean, and full of problems. The world has plenty of me, the world needs more of him. I would die a hundred deaths if it meant having him back and getting to see him.

I miss you Caleb, I miss you man so much! I hope I get to see you again. Life is miserable without you. We shared the same name, friends, hobbies, sports, and taste in girls. We liked the same movies, actors, music, and food. People thought we were brothers, then they thought we were gay, then they just weren't sure. We dressed the same, looked the same, and acted the same. You have broken my heart, you have broken me. How could you leave me like this? Why?! It doesn't make sense. We all have a part to play so how can yours be so short? 27 years. One month separated us. 3 miles stood between us but it might as well have been five feet. I miss you, love you, and will always love you with all my heart. Tell Mark I miss him, I love him, and I hope to see you both one day soon. My life has been shattered by you both and will only heal and get put back together when I get to see you both again.

Life as Viewed by a Riddler

There are two ways to view the world: qualitative and quantitative. They are the difference between taking the scenic route to a destination versus taking the quickest route.

The qualitative view represents our feelings and emotions. When I have conversations with my father I always hear the feeling and power in his voice, I watch his demeanor and I sort of feel his presence.

The quantitative view represents our rationality and logic. Instead of feeling the persons voice and hearing their emotion, you're listening intently to what they're saying, regardless of the feelings present in their voice.

It is perfectly reasonably and common for most people to view the world through both lenses; using both logic and some degree of rationality entwined with emotion. It is human nature to unconsciously involve emotion with every aspect of our lives. It's in our genes.

Now I want to discuss the difference between those we perceive as "winners" and those we see as "losers" in society, and why these two types of people are different.

I believe that there are many cultural factors that help to determine whether or not a person will be a "winner" or "loser". From this point on we will equate the term "winner" with financial wealth, career success, and social likability. Some of the greatest examples of these traits would be folks like Elon Musk, Bill Gates, Oprah Winfrey, Taylor Swift, Kobe Bryant, Christian Bale, and Serena Williams. Each of these individuals have more in common with each of us normal folks than differences however, there is a greater difference in our differences. I don't mean they have more qualities or traits that are different from the rest of us, rather, the differences between us are actually very big and dramatic. Contrast this to the rest of us and our differences are generally not very big at all.

So what are some of these differences?
Mostly, they are personality traits, and character differences. They are mostly genetic, pre-determined, and uncontrollable. But many of their traits are learned and cultural. As children, we observe our surroundings and how others interact with those surroundings. Based upon our observations of others' interactions, we adapt those traits for ourselves and integrate them into our personality. We all do this; it is human, it is ingrained within us.

Here is where the "winners" divert in their path from the "losers":
 1) Decisions. They (the "winners") make different decisions than we do starting as children. For example, they might view the same interaction in the same situation in the same environment we do, but they might gather more information from the scenario and apply it differently in their lives. They will make different decisions with regard to their health, wealth, and future as forward thinking individuals.

2) Initiative. They observe character traits of "winners" from an early age and adopt those traits to their own personality and livelihood. From there they are like a runaway train, gobbling up as much information from "winners" as they can and applying it to their existing bank of "winning" knowledge. They see the traits of "losers" quickly and learn to identify those traits at an early age and how to avoid them after they have attached the "loser" brand to the actions.

The interesting thing is that they do all of this innately, sub-consciously, and without much thought. But as they grow older they will adapt greater amounts of traits from those around them, so culture can either help accelerate their growth or it can significantly distract them from their goals.

We could also refer to these groups as "wolves" and "sheep". Wolves devour, conquer, and succeed, but not all the time. Sheep just follow the rest of the sheep and mostly lose or succeed in minor ways.

Death do us part.

Death is interesting. I recently lost my best friend of 15 years to a tragic and sudden death. One that was laden with a series of unfortunate events and very peculiar timing, which is partly why I am writing this now. The other reason I am writing this now is because I simply want to and have been grieving over him since his accident on July 6th. I will never be the same man I was on July 5th. That old man is gone, forever and irrevocably changed.

This is about my dear friend Caleb.

I first met Caleb in summer of 2000 at a park where we were both practicing with the homeschool soccer team. I actually met him in 1999 but didn't realize it. We were both trying out for the team on a bloody hot summer day and at the time, soccer was not a big interest of mine so after that practice I never went back. I was busy with hockey, wrestling, baseball, and other sports. He stayed and played.

We played on that same team together until 2006. Winning the state championship together and leading our team as co-captains from 2003-2006. He was an incredibly talented soccer player and was easily leagues beyond all of us.

One year, I think it was 2001, I was watching him play a soccer match with a local city club. Because of his birth-date, the league would not allow him to play with kids his age so he was forced to play with younger kids who were no where near as skilled as he was. I watched him repeatedly launch the ball from half-field into the back of the other teams net. It was a very fair game.

There is so much I could write about, I mean it was 15 years! We were best friend for all 15 of those years!

But alas, I can't sit and write for that long so I think I will write when I feel like it.

He was my closest, dearest, most beloved friend. I sometimes feel cheated as if he was taken from me unfairly, like he deserved to continue life on this earth. But thinking about it in light of my Christian faith, I feel that he was truly blessed to leave this earth. I cannot know what God's thinking was surrounding Caleb's death, other than He was possibly thinking that Caleb was too good for this earth and that He had sent him here for a specific purpose and that purpose Caleb fulfilled. Like Elijah, Caleb was snatched from this earth and though he died (unlike Elijah), it was quick and I think without much, if any pain. He went on his terms and that's how he would have liked to go.

I shared many of my greatest joys and sorrows with him. In December, 2012, we lost our mutual best friend Mark and saw him put to rest. Throughout his death, Caleb was by my side and I by his. Upon Mark being lowered into the earth, I touch his coffin and lay hands on Caleb, and his on mine. Seeing one of your child-hood friends being lowered into the dirt, never to be seen again is more difficult and soul-wrenching than nearly anything imaginable. It is truly and remarkably devastating, gut-turning, and most miserable of all experience. I felt all joy and strength sapped from body and from my life. Caleb helped me through our friends death. We watched videos, looked at old pictures, and we grieved for our beloved friend Mark as only best friends can grieve. I never would have made it through with some sanity in-tact had it not been for my dear friend Caleb.

He was an angel, among the most perfect of men. None of us, us being his friends, caught him in a lie. He never cheated, and in held such disdain for cheating that if accused, he would go out of his way to do the opposite. He was incredibly self-less, devoting every free minute to helping members of his church, his friends, his family, and even strangers. Building fences, houses, landscaping, house-sitting, errands, fixing cars, he helped everyone and almost all of it was self-taught. He never took anything too seriously, but seriously took it all as seriously as was necessary. He loved to laugh, to tell jokes, and found humor in everything. He was cool, talented, good-looking, and was the perfect embodiment of what it means to be a man. He treated all people equally, and never hurt anyone. People who tried to find a reason not to like him could not help but love him because of how personable he was. He had such zeal for life that he would never make an enemy.

I still haven't fully digested it and I don't know if I ever will, but I loved him every second that I knew him and I feel so blessed to have known him and to be able to call him my best friend. I am forever changed again, just like I changed after the passing of Mark, this time the change is more profound. I don't know what is to happen in my future but I know that I will carry the memory of my dear friends with me forever, and take the lessons I learned from them with me always.

My heart mourns, my soul feels torn, torn into shreds and taters of love and servant-hood that only Christ can mend. I hope and pray that I might see them again soon and be reunited with them in heaven.

Caleb, I miss you so much and I selfishly wish you were still here so we could have done our usual summer thing: kayaking and fishing the Missouri. Talking theology, the Bible, girls, and what lies ahead. I miss your jokes, your humor, your love, and your strength. You helped shape me into the man I am today. I wish I could be as strong as you were, as loving as you were, and as great a man as you were but I cannot seem to find it in me. I fall short, I am weak, I am not you.

I miss playing soccer with you, and basketball, playing frisbee with together with Kenny, and playing catch at the park. I miss riding motorcycles together, going to the mall for hours and not finding anything to buy, and counting positives and negatives.

I miss biking around the city with you, playing video-games with you, and swimming at our usual spot along the Dearborn. Climbing buildings at night, drinking beer at the local watering holes, and losing to you at pool.

I miss your goofy texts, your Christmas sweaters, and your James Bond underwear. You wore it proudly. I miss you when you were angry, and when you were sad. Especially when you were happy. I miss how calm you were, and how in the face of utter defeat you would never admit defeat.

You were easily the most loved friend I have ever had, not just by me, but by everyone who you came into contact with. From Ireland to South America; Hawaii to New York. Your presence was profound and intimate.

My heart mourns and I still cry like a baby, I don't know how or when I will stop and I don't really care because you were my best friend and that's what some of us do. I learned so much from you and try to emulate some of your character any chance I get. My soul cries for you; my heart bleeds. I love you so much.

Art for the day

RiddlerThis here with our new "Art for the day"! 



This comes from an artist known as Jakub Rozalski.  It's sort of a cyberpunk/mech mix and way too cool to not show anyone!

You can find more of his work here!

Offer of Services

I am starting a new path of financial independence and goal-driven purpose through the development of a new business centered around data organization and analytics.

The website is in its early development stages but basically I am going to teach and assist business, working professionals, and folks who need a hand in making sense of the data they have or want to obtain.

All data and information will be organized and analyzed through Microsoft Excel and R.