Death is interesting. I recently lost my best friend of 15 years to a tragic and sudden death. One that was laden with a series of unfortunate events and very peculiar timing, which is partly why I am writing this now. The other reason I am writing this now is because I simply want to and have been grieving over him since his accident on July 6th. I will never be the same man I was on July 5th. That old man is gone, forever and irrevocably changed.
This is about my dear friend Caleb.
I first met Caleb in summer of 2000 at a park where we were both practicing with the homeschool soccer team. I actually met him in 1999 but didn't realize it. We were both trying out for the team on a bloody hot summer day and at the time, soccer was not a big interest of mine so after that practice I never went back. I was busy with hockey, wrestling, baseball, and other sports. He stayed and played.
We played on that same team together until 2006. Winning the state championship together and leading our team as co-captains from 2003-2006. He was an incredibly talented soccer player and was easily leagues beyond all of us.
One year, I think it was 2001, I was watching him play a soccer match with a local city club. Because of his birth-date, the league would not allow him to play with kids his age so he was forced to play with younger kids who were no where near as skilled as he was. I watched him repeatedly launch the ball from half-field into the back of the other teams net. It was a very fair game.
There is so much I could write about, I mean it was 15 years! We were best friend for all 15 of those years!
But alas, I can't sit and write for that long so I think I will write when I feel like it.
He was my closest, dearest, most beloved friend. I sometimes feel cheated as if he was taken from me unfairly, like he deserved to continue life on this earth. But thinking about it in light of my Christian faith, I feel that he was truly blessed to leave this earth. I cannot know what God's thinking was surrounding Caleb's death, other than He was possibly thinking that Caleb was too good for this earth and that He had sent him here for a specific purpose and that purpose Caleb fulfilled. Like Elijah, Caleb was snatched from this earth and though he died (unlike Elijah), it was quick and I think without much, if any pain. He went on his terms and that's how he would have liked to go.
I shared many of my greatest joys and sorrows with him. In December, 2012, we lost our mutual best friend Mark and saw him put to rest. Throughout his death, Caleb was by my side and I by his. Upon Mark being lowered into the earth, I touch his coffin and lay hands on Caleb, and his on mine. Seeing one of your child-hood friends being lowered into the dirt, never to be seen again is more difficult and soul-wrenching than nearly anything imaginable. It is truly and remarkably devastating, gut-turning, and most miserable of all experience. I felt all joy and strength sapped from body and from my life. Caleb helped me through our friends death. We watched videos, looked at old pictures, and we grieved for our beloved friend Mark as only best friends can grieve. I never would have made it through with some sanity in-tact had it not been for my dear friend Caleb.
He was an angel, among the most perfect of men. None of us, us being his friends, caught him in a lie. He never cheated, and in held such disdain for cheating that if accused, he would go out of his way to do the opposite. He was incredibly self-less, devoting every free minute to helping members of his church, his friends, his family, and even strangers. Building fences, houses, landscaping, house-sitting, errands, fixing cars, he helped everyone and almost all of it was self-taught. He never took anything too seriously, but seriously took it all as seriously as was necessary. He loved to laugh, to tell jokes, and found humor in everything. He was cool, talented, good-looking, and was the perfect embodiment of what it means to be a man. He treated all people equally, and never hurt anyone. People who tried to find a reason not to like him could not help but love him because of how personable he was. He had such zeal for life that he would never make an enemy.
I still haven't fully digested it and I don't know if I ever will, but I loved him every second that I knew him and I feel so blessed to have known him and to be able to call him my best friend. I am forever changed again, just like I changed after the passing of Mark, this time the change is more profound. I don't know what is to happen in my future but I know that I will carry the memory of my dear friends with me forever, and take the lessons I learned from them with me always.
My heart mourns, my soul feels torn, torn into shreds and taters of love and servant-hood that only Christ can mend. I hope and pray that I might see them again soon and be reunited with them in heaven.
Caleb, I miss you so much and I selfishly wish you were still here so we could have done our usual summer thing: kayaking and fishing the Missouri. Talking theology, the Bible, girls, and what lies ahead. I miss your jokes, your humor, your love, and your strength. You helped shape me into the man I am today. I wish I could be as strong as you were, as loving as you were, and as great a man as you were but I cannot seem to find it in me. I fall short, I am weak, I am not you.
I miss playing soccer with you, and basketball, playing frisbee with together with Kenny, and playing catch at the park. I miss riding motorcycles together, going to the mall for hours and not finding anything to buy, and counting positives and negatives.
I miss biking around the city with you, playing video-games with you, and swimming at our usual spot along the Dearborn. Climbing buildings at night, drinking beer at the local watering holes, and losing to you at pool.
I miss your goofy texts, your Christmas sweaters, and your James Bond underwear. You wore it proudly. I miss you when you were angry, and when you were sad. Especially when you were happy. I miss how calm you were, and how in the face of utter defeat you would never admit defeat.
You were easily the most loved friend I have ever had, not just by me, but by everyone who you came into contact with. From Ireland to South America; Hawaii to New York. Your presence was profound and intimate.
My heart mourns and I still cry like a baby, I don't know how or when I will stop and I don't really care because you were my best friend and that's what some of us do. I learned so much from you and try to emulate some of your character any chance I get. My soul cries for you; my heart bleeds. I love you so much.
Monday, October 12, 2015
Thursday, June 18, 2015
Art for the day
RiddlerThis here with our new "Art for the day"!
This comes from an artist known as Jakub Rozalski. It's sort of a cyberpunk/mech mix and way too cool to not show anyone!
You can find more of his work here!
This comes from an artist known as Jakub Rozalski. It's sort of a cyberpunk/mech mix and way too cool to not show anyone!
You can find more of his work here!
Saturday, May 23, 2015
Offer of Services
I am starting a new path of financial independence and goal-driven purpose through the development of a new business centered around data organization and analytics.
The website is in its early development stages but basically I am going to teach and assist business, working professionals, and folks who need a hand in making sense of the data they have or want to obtain.
All data and information will be organized and analyzed through Microsoft Excel and R.
The website is in its early development stages but basically I am going to teach and assist business, working professionals, and folks who need a hand in making sense of the data they have or want to obtain.
All data and information will be organized and analyzed through Microsoft Excel and R.
Sunday, April 19, 2015
Sex and sexual attraction
I have never written about sex before but I am going to give it a shot here now because it is on my mind. Bear with me please!
I grew up a conservative Christian guy, I always had a girlfriend and always had girls chasing me, I enjoyed the attention and I enjoyed giving them attention in both dimensions of the word. However, when I first went to college I realized an eye-opening experience: women wanted sex as much as men wanted sex. I always affiliated sex with being dirty and sinful if done outside of the need for procreation. I was a virgin.
I dated very beautiful women, and had no problem getting nearly any girl I wanted. No, I am not trying to be cocky or anything of that nature, rather, I am simply stating that I was a good looking guy and good looks go a long ways. The issue I had was how shy I was; once I got the girl it was difficult to keep her because I could be awkward. Well, eventually I figured out how to talk to women so the digits just kept flying my way but I could never keep a girl. One girl, after another, after another dumped me. It was happening ad nauseum! I called up my big sister one day and told her how frustrating it was being 18-19, and how I no woman wanted to stay with me. She asked "are you having sex?" I said "no, of course not! I'm still a virgin until marriage!" "well" she replied "that's why they're breaking up with you". I hadn't thought about that but then I began to put the pieces together and realized that every break would occur one or two days after I told a girl I was waiting until marriage to have sex.
One day I thought I would end that by having sex, I did it but I didn't enjoy it. I felt dirty and lower than I had ever felt because I gave into the one sin I had forbid myself from doing. After that, it was like the flood gates came down and I wanted as much of it as I could get (responsibly of course). This led to a series of volatile relationships, heart-break, and eventually it turned me into a bitter, jaded, and for a while, a very sexist man. I began dating multiple women at once, I'd go by and pick up one girl at 5:00 PM, bring her home by 8:00 PM, then swing over to another girls house and hang out with her until 1:00 or 2:00 AM. Sometimes I'd take out three girls in one day! I thought I was living every guys fantasy and truth be told I was, but in all of it I felt no satisfaction and eventually became so disgusted with myself that I completely stopped dating, and shut myself down.
Anyway, that is a brief history. Now on to the current situation:
I am on my seventh year of college (excluding two breaks totaling two years total), and am going on 27 years of age. My libido is pretty much gone, or I think. I still notice attractive women but my thoughts and expressions towards them is excruciatingly repressed, mostly because of the experiences I had in my past with women. Most of the women at my university are between the ages of 18-23, which I feel very conflicted over. Many of them are very beautiful, intelligent, and seem like they have great personalities, however a lot of them have interests far different from my own, and they talk a lot about "getting ratchet"... I think that means crazy? And drinking. I think maybe the drinking is implied in the term "ratchet"? Anyway, I feel like were on two different levels. But they also just look young, I mean really, very young to me. I feel attracted to their bodies and physique, but less attracted to their interests, how they live their lives, and to some extent... their faces. They just look too young. But this seems antithetical because everyone I have talked with ranging from the ages of 25-33, all love younger girls, specifically girls between the ages of 18-23. So, now I question whether or not I really am attracted to these women or not. Every guy I know except for 1, wants these women, the one and myself are more attracted to women older than ourselves (27+)... but I wonder if maybe I am jaded and bitter by my previous relationships with women of the 18-23 age range and that has perhaps created some sort of mental barrier for me, or if I am generally not attracted to them. Still, I wonder if I am attracted to them but I simply convince myself that I am not.
I believe sex is a great thing now, and I enjoy it mostly, but it completely messes me up. For the four days after I have intercourse, I experience sometimes devastating mood-swings where I feel incredibly sad and depressed, I also experience memory loss. Equations, theories, even what I last ate become terribly difficult things to remember. I've also noticed that I become physically weak, shaky, and develop dry skin, eyes, and lips.It's like the life is sucked out of me leaving me to dry, wither, and fade away. It's terrible.
So I wonder if I avoid younger women so as to avoid the entire subject of sex and how it affects me, or if I avoid them because I am bitter towards them as a result of my past. I also admit that talking to a younger woman through flirtation makes me feel kind of creepy because I feel so much older. But maybe I am thinking about it too much?
When I hear a couple having sex, or see an attractive girl who is dressed in exceedingly revealing clothes, I become turned on, but when the time comes to talk to a girl or "put out" I fail miserably, mostly because of my nerves, but also because I feel like a creepy guy.
Am I missing out on something?
Perhaps I fear intimacy and specifically sex because I am terrible at being physically intimate with people, as in opening-up to them and having that "vulnerable" kind of feeling, vulnerable where they completely see you and judge you.The nerves, the vulnerability, etc. Scary!
But then again, maybe I would be a better person, or perhaps a happier person if I was consistently having intimacy with someone. Of course, that would require me to feel vulnerable and to open myself up to a woman, but perhaps that is exactly what I need or maybe that is what secretly or deeply desire. Maybe then I would feel more complete or happier, or just more alive.
Maybe I need to open up more in general to people and spend less time thinking and more time doing?
Perhaps I fear intimacy and specifically sex because I am terrible at being physically intimate with people, as in opening-up to them and having that "vulnerable" kind of feeling, vulnerable where they completely see you and judge you.The nerves, the vulnerability, etc. Scary!
But then again, maybe I would be a better person, or perhaps a happier person if I was consistently having intimacy with someone. Of course, that would require me to feel vulnerable and to open myself up to a woman, but perhaps that is exactly what I need or maybe that is what secretly or deeply desire. Maybe then I would feel more complete or happier, or just more alive.
Maybe I need to open up more in general to people and spend less time thinking and more time doing?
Monday, March 30, 2015
My brother.
He's always been bigger than me, stronger than I could ever hope to be, and in all things he always seemed to figure it out before me. On more than one occasion he helped me in fights, helped me with homework, work stuff, he was always there for me.
When we were teenagers waking up at six in the morning to go out and build a house, I would moan and grumble, complain and grudge along. My brother was silent and steady, never did he complain, never was he hesitant to get out to work. Throughout the day he just kept on going like the energizer bunny and never quit. I've seen him break all the fingers in his hands and even then he managed to laugh it off, no tears, no complaints. I've seen him fall off a roof and get right back up and keep working. I've seen him go to school, go to work, and go to two different sports practices in the same day for years at a time with hardly anything more than a sigh.
We played games together, staying up late on school nights eating chips and salsa while playing Timesplitters, or SSB. He never treated me unfairly, nor did he ever treat me better than I thought I deserved, though sometimes at work he could see me falling behind and would come over just to help me finish my task before returning to his. I never stood much of a chance against him in anything; basketball he could out shoot me, soccer he could out run me, in hockey he was so much smarter than me, even when it came to women I never stood a chance; they always wanted him over me.
Together, we would take the 88' red Ford with bald tires and rust, a truck as old as me, and drive to practices, to work, or out to the store. Even though we were homeschooled the town knew of us, especially him. When I was six feet tall he was six foot four. When my foot was a size 10, his was a 15.
I've always been quick to anger, and slow to forgive; where as he has always been quick to forgive and slow to anger, so slow at times it's scary. All the times I got into fights with people and had to have my brother come help, the other guys withdrew. Every. Single. Time. When the biggest bully in the town came around to fight me, I had my brother simply stare him down. Not once did anyone challenge him, not because they didn't have a problem with him, but because of his size and what they knew of him.
When I couldn't figure out an angle at work or if I couldn't figure out something myself he could always figure it out, I never felt big next to him as hard as I try.
Where have you gone my brother? Where are you now? What has happened to you? The moment for touching the ice is not yet come so why do you flee now? Have I not been a good brother to you? Do you not know what you mean to us all? How can I move on? How am I supposed to move forward with my life knowing you are not? My heart is not the same; my heart is not whole. Where is your strength brother? Who has done this to you? Your friends call, call, and call, and yet you do not answer. You never had an enemy, you were never disliked. That was me, it was I who they did not like, it was I who was to blame. You were loved, and have always been loved please do not do this. I wish I could have your pain so you could live as you always used to. I wish I could carry your load for you so you might be free and without burden. The love we have for you, the love I have you is beyond the scale of this life so if I could but give you some of this matter I'd ask for you be better.
When we were teenagers waking up at six in the morning to go out and build a house, I would moan and grumble, complain and grudge along. My brother was silent and steady, never did he complain, never was he hesitant to get out to work. Throughout the day he just kept on going like the energizer bunny and never quit. I've seen him break all the fingers in his hands and even then he managed to laugh it off, no tears, no complaints. I've seen him fall off a roof and get right back up and keep working. I've seen him go to school, go to work, and go to two different sports practices in the same day for years at a time with hardly anything more than a sigh.
We played games together, staying up late on school nights eating chips and salsa while playing Timesplitters, or SSB. He never treated me unfairly, nor did he ever treat me better than I thought I deserved, though sometimes at work he could see me falling behind and would come over just to help me finish my task before returning to his. I never stood much of a chance against him in anything; basketball he could out shoot me, soccer he could out run me, in hockey he was so much smarter than me, even when it came to women I never stood a chance; they always wanted him over me.
Together, we would take the 88' red Ford with bald tires and rust, a truck as old as me, and drive to practices, to work, or out to the store. Even though we were homeschooled the town knew of us, especially him. When I was six feet tall he was six foot four. When my foot was a size 10, his was a 15.
I've always been quick to anger, and slow to forgive; where as he has always been quick to forgive and slow to anger, so slow at times it's scary. All the times I got into fights with people and had to have my brother come help, the other guys withdrew. Every. Single. Time. When the biggest bully in the town came around to fight me, I had my brother simply stare him down. Not once did anyone challenge him, not because they didn't have a problem with him, but because of his size and what they knew of him.
When I couldn't figure out an angle at work or if I couldn't figure out something myself he could always figure it out, I never felt big next to him as hard as I try.
Where have you gone my brother? Where are you now? What has happened to you? The moment for touching the ice is not yet come so why do you flee now? Have I not been a good brother to you? Do you not know what you mean to us all? How can I move on? How am I supposed to move forward with my life knowing you are not? My heart is not the same; my heart is not whole. Where is your strength brother? Who has done this to you? Your friends call, call, and call, and yet you do not answer. You never had an enemy, you were never disliked. That was me, it was I who they did not like, it was I who was to blame. You were loved, and have always been loved please do not do this. I wish I could have your pain so you could live as you always used to. I wish I could carry your load for you so you might be free and without burden. The love we have for you, the love I have you is beyond the scale of this life so if I could but give you some of this matter I'd ask for you be better.
Sunday, March 29, 2015
Psychology of actions versus intent
Imagine living in a world of accomplishment; where everything you do, say, and think, is part of a broad plan of "success engineering", and propels you forward toward your goals. You do not "waste time" with your thoughts, you're not "lazy", rather you're the envy of the world. Jumping from task to task, accomplishing feat after feat. It sounds amazing right?
It is amazing to dream about, but the reality is I am not that productive and yet I hold myself to such standards as I believe to be perfect. For ten years I have tried to reach that level of satisfaction and have not attained, no matter how hard I try or how much I actually accomplish it is not enough and leaves me wanting more. In my conscious mind I seem to have my desires and goals structured around a rigid set of rules that go some thing like "do this, then this, then that, followed by this, followed by that... etc.." and it has done nothing but harm me, my self-confidence, and actually hurt my ability to accomplish anything. Why? Because I feel as though I must subscribe to such rigid rules to become the person I dream of being. And there is absolutely no wriggle room within my rules and schedule for doing anything else, or for anything unexpected. If I fail to meet any of my goals or to abide by my rules then I feel worthless, shameful, and humiliated. No one knows the pain other than myself.
So what would happen if I free myself from those rules? What happens if I am not exerting all of my energy, time, and devotion to this image of perfection? Would I be happier? Would I possibly become more successful? It would be like leaving one world and entering another, one where the judgments are different and perhaps not quite as harsh, one where forgiveness not only exists but is possible to achieve, one where people are not simply villains out to destroy me but rather opportunities, where love is encompassing, where communication means something, where I don't have to feel terrible all of the time.
A line must be drawn, and a decision made: Do I live for happiness which inevitably comes with hard work and sacrifice or do I live for pleasure, quick reward, and an inevitable life of regret and self-wallowing? I think it is clear that happiness does not exist within a rigid world devoid of love and passion.
A line must be drawn, and a decision made: Do I live for happiness which inevitably comes with hard work and sacrifice or do I live for pleasure, quick reward, and an inevitable life of regret and self-wallowing? I think it is clear that happiness does not exist within a rigid world devoid of love and passion.
Saturday, March 28, 2015
Organization and the story of a struggle with organizing.
Organizing is a stressful, often complicated task, no job, that must be done to some extent in life yet it is one of those facets of human existence that can never be seen to completion. There are small blips of successfully organized quests of organization, where you set aside a time within your day to organize something and see it through to completion; it might be a cluttered desk, swamped with papers about stuff, or objects used as tools like a stapler or keyboard for your computer. Some people thrive on disorganization and some level of entropy in the bubble of a world they create within the fabric of their consciousness.
According to Merriam Webster, to organize means to "arrange or order things so that they can be found or used easily quickly: to put things in a particular arrangement or order".
I personally struggle with organization everyday in almost everything I do. What makes the situation worse is that longer you go without organizing and without attempting to structure your life in some way, shape, or form, the worse the problem gets. It is a problem of compounding, that's it. From organizing my home to organizing my schedule, to organizing my books.
Within my mind I believe that I must have every facet of my life organized to the smallest, most singular element. No atom may act on it's own; they all must be lumped together in some kind of molecular structure. The problem with this ideology of mine is that it is a carry-over from my high-school years, a time when I actually had both the time and the means to accomplish it.
--Now that I am nearly 27 years of age with a full schedule, I no longer have the means or the time to accomplish my desired level of organization. At least, not to such a quantum scale. So is the fault my high-school ideology? In part, yes. But it's also a fault of mine not to reexamine my philosophy and adjust it according to my current schedule and demands. Organization is a must to a certain degree, but beyond that it is simply for aesthetic or pleasurable means. In other words, it no longer becomes efficient. Organizing my DVD's, none of which I have watched in the past six months, does not help my become a better, or more intelligent person. I am not paid to do it, nor am I asked by anyone to see it done. It would simply because I prefer to have them organized by alphabetical order.
With that in mind, the cost/benefit analysis is simply skewed too far in terms of cost for it to be worth my time. But what about something not so carnal as DVD's? What about something more important to my daily life like my finances? Schedule of classes and their related demands?
I think this is where it becomes essential, but again only to a certain degree. I can schedule my classes according to my level of desirability to fit into to my preferences. I do not schedule my classes around my work/social schedule because I rate my classes as a top priority, which is a level of priority higher than my social or work schedule. Everything else is scheduled around them.
But now I come to a psychological quandary: dwelling on opportunity costs, worrying, and spending copious amounts of time and energy then doubting my final decision. This is quite literally the habitual activity that takes up the most of my time and energy. There is simply nothing in my life as demanding as my worry, doubt, and constant dwelling of such things. Not only does it cost my physically in terms of my health, but also spiritually, financially, morally, and mentally.
The solution is simple: less of the costly, detrimental stuff like worrying and more stuff like creating and living a life of happiness. But this is so difficult for me, because everyday I wake up like this:
"I am so tired."
"I am so weak."
"I am so ugly."
"I am so dumb."
"I have to go to class today."
"I have to go to work today."
"I have to see people today."
"I have to speak correctly."
"I have to think correctly."
"I have to be focused."
"I have to read today."
"I have to go to the gym today."
"I have to run today."
"Why did I not run further today?"
"Why did I not study more today?"
"Why did I not speak better today?"
"No, I said that wrong I have to correct my mistake by saying something correct."
"I have to brush my teeth."
"I should have eaten healthier."
"I forgot to call Zach and Thomas."
"I forgot to call my parents."
"I have to meditate."
"I still have to file my taxes."
"Remember that time I kicked the ball wrong?"
"I miss so many people in my life."
"She hasn't texted me back, I must have said something wrong.--I could have said it better."
"I don't like my hair,"
"I don't like how hairy I am."
"Gosh I can't speak right today."
"Damnit, I have to do the dishes."
... and on and on and on... imagine going through that everyday. Not just every single day of your life for the past ten years, but imagine playing out that list of shit over and over again in your head like a record, throughout the day everyday.
That's what I am trying to communicate to everyone. That is literally how my life is and how I spend so much time and energy everyday. As a result, I have it structured like a perfect system in my mind, and anytime something unexpected occurs, like someone asking me to help them with something, I completely crash because my structure leaves no room for outside activities, or unexpected circumstances. It is completely unorthodox and even worse completely idiotic.
An idea: be creative, be assertive, and live life with only the most fundamental rules. One key phrase I heard a few years ago went something like this: "If you have to repeat to yourself everyday as a reminder to convince yourself to do it, it's not worth doing. If you have to remind yourself constantly, it's not worth remembering".
According to Merriam Webster, to organize means to "arrange or order things so that they can be found or used easily quickly: to put things in a particular arrangement or order".
I personally struggle with organization everyday in almost everything I do. What makes the situation worse is that longer you go without organizing and without attempting to structure your life in some way, shape, or form, the worse the problem gets. It is a problem of compounding, that's it. From organizing my home to organizing my schedule, to organizing my books.
Within my mind I believe that I must have every facet of my life organized to the smallest, most singular element. No atom may act on it's own; they all must be lumped together in some kind of molecular structure. The problem with this ideology of mine is that it is a carry-over from my high-school years, a time when I actually had both the time and the means to accomplish it.
--Now that I am nearly 27 years of age with a full schedule, I no longer have the means or the time to accomplish my desired level of organization. At least, not to such a quantum scale. So is the fault my high-school ideology? In part, yes. But it's also a fault of mine not to reexamine my philosophy and adjust it according to my current schedule and demands. Organization is a must to a certain degree, but beyond that it is simply for aesthetic or pleasurable means. In other words, it no longer becomes efficient. Organizing my DVD's, none of which I have watched in the past six months, does not help my become a better, or more intelligent person. I am not paid to do it, nor am I asked by anyone to see it done. It would simply because I prefer to have them organized by alphabetical order.
With that in mind, the cost/benefit analysis is simply skewed too far in terms of cost for it to be worth my time. But what about something not so carnal as DVD's? What about something more important to my daily life like my finances? Schedule of classes and their related demands?
I think this is where it becomes essential, but again only to a certain degree. I can schedule my classes according to my level of desirability to fit into to my preferences. I do not schedule my classes around my work/social schedule because I rate my classes as a top priority, which is a level of priority higher than my social or work schedule. Everything else is scheduled around them.
But now I come to a psychological quandary: dwelling on opportunity costs, worrying, and spending copious amounts of time and energy then doubting my final decision. This is quite literally the habitual activity that takes up the most of my time and energy. There is simply nothing in my life as demanding as my worry, doubt, and constant dwelling of such things. Not only does it cost my physically in terms of my health, but also spiritually, financially, morally, and mentally.
The solution is simple: less of the costly, detrimental stuff like worrying and more stuff like creating and living a life of happiness. But this is so difficult for me, because everyday I wake up like this:
"I am so tired."
"I am so weak."
"I am so ugly."
"I am so dumb."
"I have to go to class today."
"I have to go to work today."
"I have to see people today."
"I have to speak correctly."
"I have to think correctly."
"I have to be focused."
"I have to read today."
"I have to go to the gym today."
"I have to run today."
"Why did I not run further today?"
"Why did I not study more today?"
"Why did I not speak better today?"
"No, I said that wrong I have to correct my mistake by saying something correct."
"I have to brush my teeth."
"I should have eaten healthier."
"I forgot to call Zach and Thomas."
"I forgot to call my parents."
"I have to meditate."
"I still have to file my taxes."
"Remember that time I kicked the ball wrong?"
"I miss so many people in my life."
"She hasn't texted me back, I must have said something wrong.--I could have said it better."
"I don't like my hair,"
"I don't like how hairy I am."
"Gosh I can't speak right today."
"Damnit, I have to do the dishes."
... and on and on and on... imagine going through that everyday. Not just every single day of your life for the past ten years, but imagine playing out that list of shit over and over again in your head like a record, throughout the day everyday.
That's what I am trying to communicate to everyone. That is literally how my life is and how I spend so much time and energy everyday. As a result, I have it structured like a perfect system in my mind, and anytime something unexpected occurs, like someone asking me to help them with something, I completely crash because my structure leaves no room for outside activities, or unexpected circumstances. It is completely unorthodox and even worse completely idiotic.
An idea: be creative, be assertive, and live life with only the most fundamental rules. One key phrase I heard a few years ago went something like this: "If you have to repeat to yourself everyday as a reminder to convince yourself to do it, it's not worth doing. If you have to remind yourself constantly, it's not worth remembering".
Sunday, February 8, 2015
Homeschooling
I recently came across this article from Wired Magazine: home schooling . And it really struck me.
What I'm about to write is long and probably drawn out at times but I want to say everything I believe I should say and furthermore everything I want to say.
I was homeschooled my entire life until I went to college full-time at the age of 18 (fall of 2006). I come from a large, conservative family not unlike most homeschoolers in our area. Most the homeschoolers in our area came from large Christian families, very tight-knit, and most of them owned their own businesses, typically in the construction industry.
We did form a tight bond within the homeschool community but we also were actively involved in the larger community in general, not just with homeschoolers. We had our church, city activities, work, and city-league sports. Riding on the coattails of that subject, the whole "homeschoolers are socially retarded" or any other related saying is nothing more than utter nonesense. Yes, there are homeschoolers that still fit the traditional mold and are no very socially active and I've known many of them but I would argue that the proportion of homeschoolers who are not socially active according to modern norms are no more or less than their public or private-schooled compatriots. I feel as though it is an outdated and vastly uninformed idea.
My family had three things that we did each and everyday: work, study, play sports. From as early as I can remember my parents had me out pulling weeds and gardening to working construction and doing chores around the house. We were busy and our lives were never dull. I would wake up typically around 7:00 AM, eat breakfast, exercise, have bible study, then hit the books. My mother had prepared a school schedule for us over the weekend so we knew what to study and when our tests and quizzes were. However there were times she would hit us with a surprise quiz and see how we were doing.
In my personal opinion and experiences I would argue that homeschooling has much higher stakes and a higher risk/reward ratio than public and often private school. First, homeschooling is done where? In the home! So you school where you play, eat, sleep, and live! There is no separating the two and typically this encourages good behavior and a more relaxed setting. Secondly, the teachers are the parents, or in my case, mostly my mother as my father would be out working. So there is no hiding my school performance from my parents, there is no "detention" or school punishments like the traditional school systems offer, instead everything is linked to your personal life. Poor performance in school can mean being issued more studying time, having sports taken away, toys, or even being grounded. And we face our parents everyday! It's not like we leave everyday to school, see our friends, and talk about every little detail of our lives and complain about our parents! Well, we still did that when we were with out friends but not nearly to the same degree as our counterparts in the educational system. We had no traditional "refuge" as you could call it and this forced us to be responsible for ourselves and to take action. We didn't retreat from hard times, instead we thrived on hard times and eventually overcame them to succeed.
In addition to being homeschooled, my family comes from a strictly Norwegian/Swedish background. My parents took their heritage very seriously and they thrived on hard work to a degree that makes them superhuman. For example, I've never lived in a house built by someone other than my father. We started out poor, I mean so poor that McDonalds was considered a treat every other month. But he would manage to save enough to build us a nice home to live in, and he built these houses by himself. That's what he did for a living, he designed and built homes. He has no college degree either. He learned to draft in highschool and after a few years of drafting he figured he could build a house. Sure enough he did! My mother is an Olympic runner and comes from a rough background, ever since I've been around she's been getting up at 4:00 AM to run anywhere from 3-10 miles. She's in her fifties and still going strong.
Everything my siblings and I were taught, we took very seriously. And one thing that sets us and I'd argue most homeschoolers apart from their school-system counterparts are their social skills. Society typically views us as "weird" or "backwards" or "awkward" and I used to resent those phrases but now I actually feel warmth. Because we spent (and many homeschoolers still spend) most our time working, schooling, playing sports, and being active in clubs and organizations, we never really got "time to ourselves" as most kids do. We simply didn't have time for it, so when the opportunity would arise where we could hang out with our friends without the pressure of upcoming deadlines, we relished it. We would speak about our ideas and passions that we cared most deeply for, and form bonds with each other that few would understand. There is simply no way to describe it.
Homeschooling allows kids to tinker, play, and experiment without any extended pressure. While our counterparts in public and private institutions are focusing on memorizing for an exam simply so that can pass the test and then forget everything, we are truely learning, working at a dynamic pace and fulfilling a need that every child deserves. So what if our clothes aren't as hip, or we aren't familiar with the latest slang and gossip. We know how to build stuff, to create, to innovate, to lead others, and to think outside of societies box. That's a proper education! While millions of kids are learning how to play follow the leader and work in a small cubicle doing God know's what, we are creating small-businesses, developing new medicines, building skyscrapers, and setting our communities and families up for success. We don't always become rich but we are successful, happy, and willing to learn. Homeschooling provides an environment that fosters passion for learning, for hard work, and for family bonding. What's typical for us is atypical for the rest.
What I'm about to write is long and probably drawn out at times but I want to say everything I believe I should say and furthermore everything I want to say.
I was homeschooled my entire life until I went to college full-time at the age of 18 (fall of 2006). I come from a large, conservative family not unlike most homeschoolers in our area. Most the homeschoolers in our area came from large Christian families, very tight-knit, and most of them owned their own businesses, typically in the construction industry.
We did form a tight bond within the homeschool community but we also were actively involved in the larger community in general, not just with homeschoolers. We had our church, city activities, work, and city-league sports. Riding on the coattails of that subject, the whole "homeschoolers are socially retarded" or any other related saying is nothing more than utter nonesense. Yes, there are homeschoolers that still fit the traditional mold and are no very socially active and I've known many of them but I would argue that the proportion of homeschoolers who are not socially active according to modern norms are no more or less than their public or private-schooled compatriots. I feel as though it is an outdated and vastly uninformed idea.
My family had three things that we did each and everyday: work, study, play sports. From as early as I can remember my parents had me out pulling weeds and gardening to working construction and doing chores around the house. We were busy and our lives were never dull. I would wake up typically around 7:00 AM, eat breakfast, exercise, have bible study, then hit the books. My mother had prepared a school schedule for us over the weekend so we knew what to study and when our tests and quizzes were. However there were times she would hit us with a surprise quiz and see how we were doing.
In my personal opinion and experiences I would argue that homeschooling has much higher stakes and a higher risk/reward ratio than public and often private school. First, homeschooling is done where? In the home! So you school where you play, eat, sleep, and live! There is no separating the two and typically this encourages good behavior and a more relaxed setting. Secondly, the teachers are the parents, or in my case, mostly my mother as my father would be out working. So there is no hiding my school performance from my parents, there is no "detention" or school punishments like the traditional school systems offer, instead everything is linked to your personal life. Poor performance in school can mean being issued more studying time, having sports taken away, toys, or even being grounded. And we face our parents everyday! It's not like we leave everyday to school, see our friends, and talk about every little detail of our lives and complain about our parents! Well, we still did that when we were with out friends but not nearly to the same degree as our counterparts in the educational system. We had no traditional "refuge" as you could call it and this forced us to be responsible for ourselves and to take action. We didn't retreat from hard times, instead we thrived on hard times and eventually overcame them to succeed.
In addition to being homeschooled, my family comes from a strictly Norwegian/Swedish background. My parents took their heritage very seriously and they thrived on hard work to a degree that makes them superhuman. For example, I've never lived in a house built by someone other than my father. We started out poor, I mean so poor that McDonalds was considered a treat every other month. But he would manage to save enough to build us a nice home to live in, and he built these houses by himself. That's what he did for a living, he designed and built homes. He has no college degree either. He learned to draft in highschool and after a few years of drafting he figured he could build a house. Sure enough he did! My mother is an Olympic runner and comes from a rough background, ever since I've been around she's been getting up at 4:00 AM to run anywhere from 3-10 miles. She's in her fifties and still going strong.
Everything my siblings and I were taught, we took very seriously. And one thing that sets us and I'd argue most homeschoolers apart from their school-system counterparts are their social skills. Society typically views us as "weird" or "backwards" or "awkward" and I used to resent those phrases but now I actually feel warmth. Because we spent (and many homeschoolers still spend) most our time working, schooling, playing sports, and being active in clubs and organizations, we never really got "time to ourselves" as most kids do. We simply didn't have time for it, so when the opportunity would arise where we could hang out with our friends without the pressure of upcoming deadlines, we relished it. We would speak about our ideas and passions that we cared most deeply for, and form bonds with each other that few would understand. There is simply no way to describe it.
Homeschooling allows kids to tinker, play, and experiment without any extended pressure. While our counterparts in public and private institutions are focusing on memorizing for an exam simply so that can pass the test and then forget everything, we are truely learning, working at a dynamic pace and fulfilling a need that every child deserves. So what if our clothes aren't as hip, or we aren't familiar with the latest slang and gossip. We know how to build stuff, to create, to innovate, to lead others, and to think outside of societies box. That's a proper education! While millions of kids are learning how to play follow the leader and work in a small cubicle doing God know's what, we are creating small-businesses, developing new medicines, building skyscrapers, and setting our communities and families up for success. We don't always become rich but we are successful, happy, and willing to learn. Homeschooling provides an environment that fosters passion for learning, for hard work, and for family bonding. What's typical for us is atypical for the rest.
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