My brother.

He's always been bigger than me, stronger than I could ever hope to be, and in all things he always seemed to figure it out before me. On more than one occasion he helped me in fights, helped me with homework, work stuff, he was always there for me.

When we were teenagers waking up at six in the morning to go out and build a house, I would moan and grumble, complain and grudge along. My brother was silent and steady, never did he complain, never was he hesitant to get out to work. Throughout the day he just kept on going like the energizer bunny and never quit. I've seen him break all the fingers in his hands and even then he managed to laugh it off, no tears, no complaints. I've seen him fall off a roof and get right back up and keep working. I've seen him go to school, go to work, and go to two different sports practices in the same day for years at a time with hardly anything more than a sigh.

We played games together, staying up late on school nights eating chips and salsa while playing Timesplitters, or SSB. He never treated me unfairly, nor did he ever treat me better than I thought I deserved, though sometimes at work he could see me falling behind and would come over just to help me finish my task before returning to his. I never stood much of a chance against him in anything; basketball he could out shoot me, soccer he could out run me, in hockey he was so much smarter than me, even when it came to women I never stood a chance; they always wanted him over me.

Together, we would take the 88' red Ford with bald tires and rust, a truck as old as me, and drive to practices, to work, or out to the store. Even though we were homeschooled the town knew of us, especially him. When I was six feet tall he was six foot four. When my foot was a size 10, his was a 15.

I've always been quick to anger, and slow to forgive; where as he has always been quick to forgive and slow to anger, so slow at times it's scary. All the times I got into fights with people and had to have my brother come help, the other guys withdrew. Every. Single. Time. When the biggest bully in the town came around to fight me, I had my brother simply stare him down. Not once did anyone challenge him, not because they didn't have a problem with him, but because of his size and what they knew of him.

When I couldn't figure out an angle at work or if I couldn't figure out something myself he could always figure it out, I never felt big next to him as hard as I try.

Where have you gone my brother? Where are you now? What has happened to you? The moment for touching the ice is not yet come so why do you flee now? Have I not been a good brother to you? Do you not know what you mean to us all? How can I move on? How am I supposed to move forward with my life knowing you are not? My heart is not the same; my heart is not whole. Where is your strength brother? Who has done this to you? Your friends call, call, and call, and yet you do not answer. You never had an enemy, you were never disliked. That was me, it was I who they did not like, it was I who was to blame. You were loved, and have always been loved please do not do this. I wish I could have your pain so you could live as you always used to. I wish I could carry your load for you so you might be free and without burden. The love we have for you, the love I have you is beyond the scale of this life so if I could but give you some of this matter I'd ask for you be better.