Psychology of actions versus intent

Imagine living in a world of accomplishment; where everything you do, say, and think, is part of a broad plan of "success engineering", and propels you forward toward your goals. You do not "waste time" with your thoughts, you're not "lazy", rather you're the envy of the world. Jumping from task to task, accomplishing feat after feat. It sounds amazing right?

It is amazing to dream about, but the reality is I am not that productive and yet I hold myself to such standards as I believe to be perfect. For ten years I have tried to reach that level of satisfaction and have not attained, no matter how hard I try or how much I actually accomplish it is not enough and leaves me wanting more. In my conscious mind I seem to have my desires and goals structured around a rigid set of rules that go some thing like "do this, then this, then that, followed by this, followed by that... etc.." and it has done nothing but harm me, my self-confidence, and actually hurt my ability to accomplish anything. Why? Because I feel as though I must subscribe to such rigid rules to become the person I dream of being. And there is absolutely no wriggle room within my rules and schedule for doing anything else, or for anything unexpected. If I fail to meet any of my goals or to abide by my rules then I feel worthless, shameful, and humiliated. No one knows the pain other than myself.

So what would happen if I free myself from those rules? What happens if I am not exerting all of my energy, time, and devotion to this image of perfection? Would I be happier? Would I possibly become more successful? It would be like leaving one world and entering another, one where the judgments are different and perhaps not quite as harsh, one where forgiveness not only exists but is possible to achieve, one where people are not simply villains out to destroy me but rather opportunities, where love is encompassing, where communication means something, where I don't have to feel terrible all of the time.

A line must be drawn, and a decision made: Do I live for happiness which inevitably comes with hard work and sacrifice or do I live for pleasure, quick reward, and an inevitable life of regret and self-wallowing? I think it is clear that happiness does not exist within a rigid world devoid of love and passion.