My brother.

He's always been bigger than me, stronger than I could ever hope to be, and in all things he always seemed to figure it out before me. On more than one occasion he helped me in fights, helped me with homework, work stuff, he was always there for me.

When we were teenagers waking up at six in the morning to go out and build a house, I would moan and grumble, complain and grudge along. My brother was silent and steady, never did he complain, never was he hesitant to get out to work. Throughout the day he just kept on going like the energizer bunny and never quit. I've seen him break all the fingers in his hands and even then he managed to laugh it off, no tears, no complaints. I've seen him fall off a roof and get right back up and keep working. I've seen him go to school, go to work, and go to two different sports practices in the same day for years at a time with hardly anything more than a sigh.

We played games together, staying up late on school nights eating chips and salsa while playing Timesplitters, or SSB. He never treated me unfairly, nor did he ever treat me better than I thought I deserved, though sometimes at work he could see me falling behind and would come over just to help me finish my task before returning to his. I never stood much of a chance against him in anything; basketball he could out shoot me, soccer he could out run me, in hockey he was so much smarter than me, even when it came to women I never stood a chance; they always wanted him over me.

Together, we would take the 88' red Ford with bald tires and rust, a truck as old as me, and drive to practices, to work, or out to the store. Even though we were homeschooled the town knew of us, especially him. When I was six feet tall he was six foot four. When my foot was a size 10, his was a 15.

I've always been quick to anger, and slow to forgive; where as he has always been quick to forgive and slow to anger, so slow at times it's scary. All the times I got into fights with people and had to have my brother come help, the other guys withdrew. Every. Single. Time. When the biggest bully in the town came around to fight me, I had my brother simply stare him down. Not once did anyone challenge him, not because they didn't have a problem with him, but because of his size and what they knew of him.

When I couldn't figure out an angle at work or if I couldn't figure out something myself he could always figure it out, I never felt big next to him as hard as I try.

Where have you gone my brother? Where are you now? What has happened to you? The moment for touching the ice is not yet come so why do you flee now? Have I not been a good brother to you? Do you not know what you mean to us all? How can I move on? How am I supposed to move forward with my life knowing you are not? My heart is not the same; my heart is not whole. Where is your strength brother? Who has done this to you? Your friends call, call, and call, and yet you do not answer. You never had an enemy, you were never disliked. That was me, it was I who they did not like, it was I who was to blame. You were loved, and have always been loved please do not do this. I wish I could have your pain so you could live as you always used to. I wish I could carry your load for you so you might be free and without burden. The love we have for you, the love I have you is beyond the scale of this life so if I could but give you some of this matter I'd ask for you be better.

Psychology of actions versus intent

Imagine living in a world of accomplishment; where everything you do, say, and think, is part of a broad plan of "success engineering", and propels you forward toward your goals. You do not "waste time" with your thoughts, you're not "lazy", rather you're the envy of the world. Jumping from task to task, accomplishing feat after feat. It sounds amazing right?

It is amazing to dream about, but the reality is I am not that productive and yet I hold myself to such standards as I believe to be perfect. For ten years I have tried to reach that level of satisfaction and have not attained, no matter how hard I try or how much I actually accomplish it is not enough and leaves me wanting more. In my conscious mind I seem to have my desires and goals structured around a rigid set of rules that go some thing like "do this, then this, then that, followed by this, followed by that... etc.." and it has done nothing but harm me, my self-confidence, and actually hurt my ability to accomplish anything. Why? Because I feel as though I must subscribe to such rigid rules to become the person I dream of being. And there is absolutely no wriggle room within my rules and schedule for doing anything else, or for anything unexpected. If I fail to meet any of my goals or to abide by my rules then I feel worthless, shameful, and humiliated. No one knows the pain other than myself.

So what would happen if I free myself from those rules? What happens if I am not exerting all of my energy, time, and devotion to this image of perfection? Would I be happier? Would I possibly become more successful? It would be like leaving one world and entering another, one where the judgments are different and perhaps not quite as harsh, one where forgiveness not only exists but is possible to achieve, one where people are not simply villains out to destroy me but rather opportunities, where love is encompassing, where communication means something, where I don't have to feel terrible all of the time.

A line must be drawn, and a decision made: Do I live for happiness which inevitably comes with hard work and sacrifice or do I live for pleasure, quick reward, and an inevitable life of regret and self-wallowing? I think it is clear that happiness does not exist within a rigid world devoid of love and passion.

Organization and the story of a struggle with organizing.

Organizing is a stressful, often complicated task, no job, that must be done to some extent in life yet it is one of those facets of human existence that can never be seen to completion. There are small blips of successfully organized quests of organization, where you set aside a time within your day to organize something and see it through to completion; it might be a cluttered desk, swamped with papers about stuff, or objects used as tools like a stapler or keyboard for your computer. Some people thrive on disorganization and some level of entropy in the bubble of a world they create within the fabric of their consciousness.

According to Merriam Webster, to organize means to "arrange or order things so that they can be found or used easily quickly: to put things in a particular arrangement or order".

I personally struggle with organization everyday in almost everything I do. What makes the situation worse is that longer you go without organizing and without attempting to structure your life in some way, shape, or form, the worse the problem gets. It is a problem of compounding, that's it. From organizing my home to organizing my schedule, to organizing my books.

Within my mind I believe that I must have every facet of my life organized to the smallest, most singular element. No atom may act on it's own; they all must be lumped together in some kind of molecular structure. The problem with this ideology of mine is that it is a carry-over from my high-school years, a time when I actually had both the time and the means to accomplish it.
--Now that I am nearly 27 years of age with a full schedule, I no longer have the means or the time to accomplish my desired level of organization. At least, not to such a quantum scale. So is the fault my high-school ideology? In part, yes. But it's also a fault of mine not to reexamine my philosophy and adjust it according to my current schedule and demands. Organization is a must to a certain degree, but beyond that it is simply for aesthetic or pleasurable means. In other words, it no longer becomes efficient. Organizing my DVD's, none of which I have watched in the past six months, does not help my become a better, or more intelligent person. I am not paid to do it, nor am I asked by anyone to see it done. It would simply because I prefer to have them organized by alphabetical order.

With that in mind, the cost/benefit analysis is simply skewed too far in terms of cost for it to be worth my time. But what about something not so carnal as DVD's? What about something more important to my daily life like my finances? Schedule of classes and their related demands?

I think this is where it becomes essential, but again only to a certain degree. I can schedule my classes according to my level of desirability to fit into to my preferences. I do not schedule my classes around my work/social schedule because I rate my classes as a top priority, which is a level of priority higher than my social or work schedule. Everything else is scheduled around them.

But now I come to a psychological quandary: dwelling on opportunity costs, worrying, and spending copious amounts of time and energy then doubting my final decision. This is quite literally the habitual activity that takes up the most of my time and energy. There is simply nothing in my life as demanding as my worry, doubt, and constant dwelling of such things. Not only does it cost my physically in terms of my health, but also spiritually, financially, morally, and mentally.

The solution is simple: less of the costly, detrimental stuff like worrying and more stuff like creating and living a life of happiness. But this is so difficult for me, because everyday I wake up like this:
"I am so tired."
"I am so weak."
"I am so ugly."
"I am so dumb."
"I have to go to class today."
"I have to go to work today."
"I have to see people today."
"I have to speak correctly."
"I have to think correctly."
"I have to be focused."
"I have to read today."
"I have to go to the gym today."
"I have to run today."
"Why did I not run further today?"
"Why did I not study more today?"
"Why did I not speak better today?"
"No, I said that wrong I have to correct my mistake by saying something correct."
"I have to brush my teeth."
"I should have eaten healthier."
"I forgot to call Zach and Thomas."
"I forgot to call my parents."
"I have to meditate."
"I still have to file my taxes."
"Remember that time I kicked the ball wrong?"
"I miss so many people in my life."
"She hasn't texted me back, I must have said something wrong.--I could have said it better."
"I don't like my hair,"
"I don't like how hairy I am."
"Gosh I can't speak right today."
"Damnit, I have to do the dishes."
... and on and on and on... imagine going through that everyday. Not just every single day of your life for the past ten years, but imagine playing out that list of shit over and over again in your head like a record, throughout the day everyday.

That's what I am trying to communicate to everyone. That is literally how my life is and how I spend so much time and energy everyday. As a result, I have it structured like a perfect system in my mind, and anytime something unexpected occurs, like someone asking me to help them with something, I completely crash because my structure leaves no room for outside activities, or unexpected circumstances. It is completely unorthodox and even worse completely idiotic.

An idea: be creative, be assertive, and live life with only the most fundamental rules. One key phrase I heard a few years ago went something like this: "If you have to repeat to yourself everyday as a reminder to convince yourself to do it, it's not worth doing. If you have to remind yourself constantly, it's not worth remembering".